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Don't turn the other cheek and fume quietly; know what to say when someone throws out the snide backhanded "compliment," subtle insult, cruel criticism, or outright verbal blow. Inside these pages is an arsenal of tools for fending off that attack and neutralizing the harm spiteful words inflict. Learn to identify modes of verbal assault, such as laying blame, and to recognize when someone is about to launch a linguistic strike and the motivation behind it. Sample scripts prevent you from getting tongue-tied, and a progress journal helps you use voice and body language for maximum effect. Find out how to handle the eight most common types of verbal violence, and redirect and defuse potential verbal confrontations so skillfully that they rarely happen. Special suggestions are included for college students, men, and women, and for handling emergency situations such as an angry crowd.… (more)
User reviews
1st, Know that you are under attack.
2d, Know what kind of attack you are facing.
3d, Know how to make your defense fit the
4th, Know how to follow through.
These are not what I find to be the "Principles" of verbal defense, but it is useful to look at how people use language to hurt you/others. This book (and the sequel) really sharpens that look.
The systems-application of the "Satir modes", and Virginia Satir's work with divorcing couples, is particularly helpful. Understand the vocabulary used for the main Five types: The Placater (using his/her fears to avoid decision-responsibility), The Blamer (mixes with defensive), The Computer (no feelings exposed, downplays conflict), The Distracter, The Leveler.
The heart of the technique is to identify the "presupposition" in every attack: The often unexpressed but real meaning conveyed. At the threshhold, and for training purposes, "remember to respond to the presupposition, NEVER to the sequence it is hidden in."[17] Example: If you really loved me you wouldn't go..." Presupp: You don't really love me.
I found Coping With Difficult People by Robert M. Bramson to be a much better book, and the techniques I learned there utterly defused what might have been a difficult relationship. (Due to a family emergency I was forced into working closely with someone whom I just didn't like.)