You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

by Deborah Tannen

Hardcover, 1990

Status

Available

Publication

William Morrow & Co (1990), Edition: 1st, Hardcover, 330 pages

Description

From the author of New York Times bestseller You're Wearing That? this bestselling classic work draws upon groundbreaking research by an acclaimed sociolinguist to show that women and men live in different worlds, made of different words. Women and men live in different worlds...made of different words. Spending nearly four years on the New York Times bestseller list, including eight months at number one, You Just Don't Understand is a true cultural and intellectual phenomenon. This is the book that brought gender differences in ways of speaking to the forefront of public awareness. With a rare combination of scientific insight and delightful, humorous writing, Tannen shows why women and men can walk away from the same conversation with completely different impressions of what was said. Studded with lively and entertaining examples of real conversations, this book gives you the tools to understand what went wrong -- and to find a common language in which to strengthen relationships at work and at home. A classic in the field of interpersonal relations, this book will change forever the way you approach conversations.  … (more)

User reviews

LibraryThing member bell7
Have you ever had a conversation with someone of the opposite sex that seemed like you were operating on different wavelengths, or that the conversation you thought you were having was interpreted completely differently by the other party? Dr. Tannen argues that it's not in your head: women and men
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in conversation is much closer to cross-cultural communication than we might imagine. She then goes on to enumerate the many ways that miscommunication arises based on the different ways we tend to speak and interpret conversations: through the lens of status (men) or connection (women).

Dr. Tannen's research, including transcripts of conversations from studies of boys, girls, men, and women of various ages and anecdotal evidence from real conversations persuasively makes the case for the status and connection at work in every conversation. I appreciated that the author never makes a moral judgment about the way one or the other interprets the conversation. She merely explains what's going on from each point of view, giving each party the language to express what they're trying to do or say. I recognized many conversations as ones I have had with my brother, my father, and male friends. Some of the topics she touches on, such as high-involvement/high-considerate and direct/indirect ways of speaking are beneficial even in conversations with people of the same sex (for example, as a "high-involvement speaker" I can now explain to my family that I really do end a sentence with "and" waiting for someone to overlap my speech). Because she ties everything back to the original ideas of status and connection, her comments on conversations do become a bit repetitive after awhile. But her conversational style and clear presentation of a persuasive argument make this book worth reading.
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LibraryThing member ladycato
Do you have any interactions with people of the opposite sex? Read this book.

Do you ever wonder why even your own gender acts in such a particular why? Read this book.

Seriously, I thought this book would be a very dull, dry, read. Gender and linguistics aren't the most exciting of subjects, usually
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- but in Tannen's expert hands this becomes a fascinating and balanced read. It's not anti-woman or anti-man, but tries to study the reasons - cultural or otherwise - why we communicate the way we do. It gets to the very root of gender differences. Most women seek commonalities with other women (one complains of an ailment, the other sympathizes with a similar tale of woe) while men tend to one-up the other in a hierarchcal scramble for dominance (a guy has an ailment, so the other guy ignores it, dismisses it, or elevates his own standing). The book cites studies of children and shows how they show many of the same communicative patterns of adults. The author also refers to a variety of literature and personal anecdotes to illustrate situations.

My husband even picked up this book and flipped through and said he was impressed by it. My husband rarely reads books.

As a writer, I think this book will be an excellent source for honing dialog and creating conflict. This is a keeper.
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LibraryThing member nicoyu
The topic of this book is interesting-- tho the actual content is not so! It describes the ways of thinking between men and women, and points out why misunderstanding occurs between genders.
It is good for those who's doing relevant research, but i think this book is not an ideal one to read for fun.
LibraryThing member jbushnell
A careful analysis of the way gender differences manifest in conversation that scrupulously avoids taking a side in the "nature / nurture" debate. The book has no shortage of hard sociological data at its root, but most of the chapters are "humanized" with the inclusion of a lot of (sometimes
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repetitive) anecdotal data. This makes it slow reading at times, but the insights here remain sound: making this the rare example of a book that will genuinely help almost any adult who might take it to heart.
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LibraryThing member izze.t
I worked at a Bookstop in the early '90s. This book was (and still is) vastly popular. Secertly, I made fun of the book and readers. "No MAN would confuse MY intentions and meanings." Granted, I am as subtle as a sledge hammer and have NO problem expressing myself.

Fast forward to Nov 2006, my
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wedding. By 2007, I was hounding my mother for her copy. I still haven't finished it (old prejudicies die HARD), but just knowing that I am not the only one that experiences the gap in communication with their partner.
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LibraryThing member stunik
This book came out at the same time as the more popular Men are From Mars, Women from Venus. I like this one best. The author has credentials to write this stuff. More importantly, it has been a great use in understanding how to communicate more effectively with the opposite sex.
LibraryThing member kristenn
It took me about a year to get through this, just because I kept putting it down and forgetting it. It was an easy read, though. More detailed than I really needed, but not at all too dense. Just many, many examples. The book covers gender communication in general, with plenty of attention given to
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children, so it's definitely more textbook than self-help.
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LibraryThing member sunny
The follow up to "That's Not What I Meant!", written because most of the questions about the older book concerned the chapter about communication between men and women. I like her writing style a lot.
LibraryThing member Katya0133
A solid book on an interesting topic.
LibraryThing member bookheaven
Thought provoking but hard to finish.
LibraryThing member Pepperwings
A good basic communication book, focusing on different communication styles, and structures. I don't think it applies to *all* men, or *all* women, but it's a good base to consider, and for that it's an excellent book.
LibraryThing member CenterPointMN
This book explains the language and customs of the opposite gender. Anyone who wants to understand what that stranger on the opposite end of the bed is saying certainly should consult this book.
LibraryThing member CenterPointMN
This book explains the language and customs of the opposite gender. Anyone who wants to understand what that stranger on the opposite end of the bed is saying certainly should consult this book.
LibraryThing member DrFuriosa
Tannen's work is often cited as foundational to notions of gender and language, but it's hard to see that 27 years after its publication. This book subtly uses language that favors or excuses male behavior and calls on women to be more assertive, even while admitting that women who do are less
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likely to be respected by men.

Another thing that bothered me was the way Tannen conflated gender with personality. Some people are more taciturn than others, but gender is not the indicator, per se.
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LibraryThing member mykl-s
Very useful, very informative
LibraryThing member wvlibrarydude
As a librarian, I had seen this classic around for years. After listening to the Freakonomics book club podcast with the author, I finally decided to read it.

A lot of the research and findings that Deborah Tannen has accomplished in her career stems from this book that is now 30 years old. In that
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time, her findings have been absorbed into our culture through media, but some has been inaccurate. If possible, get a newer edition that includes the afterward. Well worth the read.
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Original publication date

1990

Physical description

330 p.; 9.2 inches

ISBN

0688078222 / 9780688078225

Local notes

literary studies
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