Status
Checked out
Publication
Picador (2015), Edition: 1st, 288 pages
Description
One of the main topics of cultural conversation during the last decade was the supposed "fertility crisis," and whether modern women could figure out a way to have it all-a successful, demanding career and the required 2.3 children-before their biological clock stopped ticking. Now, however, conversation has turned to whether it's necessary to have it all (see Anne-Marie Slaughter) or, perhaps more controversial, whether children are really a requirement for a fulfilling life. The idea that some women and men prefer not to have children is often met with sharp criticism and incredulity by the public and mainstream media.In this provocative and controversial collection of essays curated by writer Meghan Daum, sixteen acclaimed writers explain why they have chosen to eschew parenthood. Contributors include Lionel Shriver, Sigrid Nunez, Kate Christiensen, Elliott Holt, Geoff Dyer, and Tim Kreider, among others, who will give a unique perspective on the overwhelming cultural pressure of parenthood. Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed makes a thoughtful and passionate case for why parenthood is not the only path in life, taking our parent-centric, kid-fixated, baby-bump-patrolling culture to task in the process. What emerges is a more nuanced, diverse view of what it means to live a full, satisfying life.… (more)
User reviews
LibraryThing member Brianna_H
Most of the essayists all seem to arrive at their decision to remain childless due to a fear of not being able to live an actualized life and a fear that children will prohibit them from writing. Fear permeates each and every essay as well as a disdain for a life in away preoccupied with
Felicitously, I was simultaneously reading Sarah Ruhl's 100 Essays I Don't Have Time to Write and in her very first essay, On Interruptions, she perfectly encapsulates my reaction to the essays in Selfish, Shallow & Self-Absorbed when she writes:
"I found that life intruding on writing was, in fact, life. And that, tempting as it may be
for a writer who is also a parent, one must not think of life as an intrusion. At the end
of the day, writing has very little to do with writing, and much to do with life. And life,
by definition, is not an intrusion."
I don't believe that everyone should or needs to have kids to live a happy or fulfilled life. My issue with most of the essays here are that they take the leap that having kids pretty much means death to the self and introspection and to any measure of autonomy.
One thought that struck me while reading the essays is that all of the writers seem to be types who utter grand proclamations and boast of their own power and self importance. They are soap box standers. I see an old version of myself in these writers. The me before kids. I realize that I am no longer this person (as much) because if kids do anything to you, they humble the crap out of you. You realize that one can no longer be a know-it-all because these little beings render so many of your "I will nevers" and "I wonts" obsolete. I am also aware that kids have caused me to be malleable and flexible in ways that I wasn't before. The constant need to change course and find creative ways to get through difficulties makes it hard to issue such rigid, black and white, hard line rules for living. I realize that everything can change on a dime from second to second and that there are no hard and fast rules....for anything.
While I can't relate to the view points of many of these writers and disagree with their line of thinking and proclamations, I can say that these essays caused me to think and to ponder and to write and for this reason, I truly liked reading this book.
These writers discuss struggling with paying bills, needing to work countless hours at menial day jobs and yet balk at the idea of giving yourself up to a relationship where one partner pays the bills while the other cares for the kids (as opposed to waiting tables) - with happiness!!- and then has the freedom to pursue their art without the drudgery of job that just pays the bills.
Sometimes the biggest freedom can be found in allowing yourself to need others and to BE needed by others.
Oh, and as an aside, I wrote most of this with a 14 month old trying to type on my key board, trying to nurse and crying for my attention. Annoying for sure, but that's life and I am lucky to have mine.
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domesticity. Felicitously, I was simultaneously reading Sarah Ruhl's 100 Essays I Don't Have Time to Write and in her very first essay, On Interruptions, she perfectly encapsulates my reaction to the essays in Selfish, Shallow & Self-Absorbed when she writes:
"I found that life intruding on writing was, in fact, life. And that, tempting as it may be
for a writer who is also a parent, one must not think of life as an intrusion. At the end
of the day, writing has very little to do with writing, and much to do with life. And life,
by definition, is not an intrusion."
I don't believe that everyone should or needs to have kids to live a happy or fulfilled life. My issue with most of the essays here are that they take the leap that having kids pretty much means death to the self and introspection and to any measure of autonomy.
One thought that struck me while reading the essays is that all of the writers seem to be types who utter grand proclamations and boast of their own power and self importance. They are soap box standers. I see an old version of myself in these writers. The me before kids. I realize that I am no longer this person (as much) because if kids do anything to you, they humble the crap out of you. You realize that one can no longer be a know-it-all because these little beings render so many of your "I will nevers" and "I wonts" obsolete. I am also aware that kids have caused me to be malleable and flexible in ways that I wasn't before. The constant need to change course and find creative ways to get through difficulties makes it hard to issue such rigid, black and white, hard line rules for living. I realize that everything can change on a dime from second to second and that there are no hard and fast rules....for anything.
While I can't relate to the view points of many of these writers and disagree with their line of thinking and proclamations, I can say that these essays caused me to think and to ponder and to write and for this reason, I truly liked reading this book.
These writers discuss struggling with paying bills, needing to work countless hours at menial day jobs and yet balk at the idea of giving yourself up to a relationship where one partner pays the bills while the other cares for the kids (as opposed to waiting tables) - with happiness!!- and then has the freedom to pursue their art without the drudgery of job that just pays the bills.
Sometimes the biggest freedom can be found in allowing yourself to need others and to BE needed by others.
Oh, and as an aside, I wrote most of this with a 14 month old trying to type on my key board, trying to nurse and crying for my attention. Annoying for sure, but that's life and I am lucky to have mine.
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LibraryThing member KimHooperWrites
As someone who has put a lot of thought into whether or not to have kids, I was really interested to read this book. I could relate to parts of almost every writer's story in this collection. And, across the board, there were things I couldn't relate to as well. Some wrote about how their terrible
What irked me slightly was that in the introduction, Megan Daum talks about how this is a book about people actively deciding NOT to have children, but many of the writers seemed like they just stumbled into a childless (or "childfree" -- do people really get sensitive about this??) existence. Timing wasn't right, circumstances weren't right, etc. Most of the people in this collection COULD have been parents if one little thing had gone differently. Now, years later, of course they say they have no regrets. I think we all do this, parents included. As Tim Kreider says in the last essay, parents are constantly validating and rationalizing their decision (hence the stream of kid photos on Facebook that scream, "Look how cute my kid is!"). Non-parents rationalize too, saying, "If I'd had kids, I couldn't have done X, Y, Z." I guess what I'm saying is that happiness is all perception, largely based on how we package our choices and experiences.
Another thing that irked me: Almost every single essayist felt the need to express how much they love kids. This seemed a little over the top, like some kind of overcompensation that I didn't really need to hear. Is it really that taboo for someone to not like kids? If you don't like kids, bravo for deciding not to have them. Probably a good move.
On that note, in regards to the title, what's so bad about being "selfish, shallow, and self-absorbed"? Isn't that kind of human nature? Deciding to have kids doesn't make you selfless. I've heard many people say they want kids as a sort of vanity project (ie, "It will look just like me!") and I've heard many, many friends say, "I want someone to take care of me when I'm old." Not sure how that is selfless. For many, choosing NOT to have kids is selfless. They might feel the biological urge, but know that it's not right for them to be parents, for any number of reasons (finances, passing on mental illness,etc).
Many writers talk about judgment they've felt about not having kids. Maybe I'm oblivious, but I've never felt pressure to have kids. I think we are in a society now where it's not all THAT unusual to be childless. And, in the end, who cares if people judge? Having a child is a HUGE and very personal decision. I'll never feel the need to justify whatever choice I end up making.
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childhoods influenced their decision not to have kids. Some wrote about how issues with depression influenced their decision. And a vast number talked about how they felt a commitment to their craft (writing) that overrode or negated any desire for a child.What irked me slightly was that in the introduction, Megan Daum talks about how this is a book about people actively deciding NOT to have children, but many of the writers seemed like they just stumbled into a childless (or "childfree" -- do people really get sensitive about this??) existence. Timing wasn't right, circumstances weren't right, etc. Most of the people in this collection COULD have been parents if one little thing had gone differently. Now, years later, of course they say they have no regrets. I think we all do this, parents included. As Tim Kreider says in the last essay, parents are constantly validating and rationalizing their decision (hence the stream of kid photos on Facebook that scream, "Look how cute my kid is!"). Non-parents rationalize too, saying, "If I'd had kids, I couldn't have done X, Y, Z." I guess what I'm saying is that happiness is all perception, largely based on how we package our choices and experiences.
Another thing that irked me: Almost every single essayist felt the need to express how much they love kids. This seemed a little over the top, like some kind of overcompensation that I didn't really need to hear. Is it really that taboo for someone to not like kids? If you don't like kids, bravo for deciding not to have them. Probably a good move.
On that note, in regards to the title, what's so bad about being "selfish, shallow, and self-absorbed"? Isn't that kind of human nature? Deciding to have kids doesn't make you selfless. I've heard many people say they want kids as a sort of vanity project (ie, "It will look just like me!") and I've heard many, many friends say, "I want someone to take care of me when I'm old." Not sure how that is selfless. For many, choosing NOT to have kids is selfless. They might feel the biological urge, but know that it's not right for them to be parents, for any number of reasons (finances, passing on mental illness,etc).
Many writers talk about judgment they've felt about not having kids. Maybe I'm oblivious, but I've never felt pressure to have kids. I think we are in a society now where it's not all THAT unusual to be childless. And, in the end, who cares if people judge? Having a child is a HUGE and very personal decision. I'll never feel the need to justify whatever choice I end up making.
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LibraryThing member csweder
This is an interesting read--regardless of your thoughts about having children.
So much of our society is dictating to women that we must have kids, that we will not be real women if we don't have them.
This book does not get into those would-be parents who are unable to conceive, but more on those
I think books like this are important. As a society we shouldn't shame anyone on their life choices. We also need to recognize the pressure put on women to have kids, a career, and their own hobbies and interests...in essence, that we must do and have it all.
Just an interesting read.
So much of our society is dictating to women that we must have kids, that we will not be real women if we don't have them.
This book does not get into those would-be parents who are unable to conceive, but more on those
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who willingly choose to not have kids. Some of the authors talk about having abortions (and yes, some of those stories are controversial and difficult to read), but more of them discuss the impact of birth control on women's ability to choose--or choose not to--have children. I think books like this are important. As a society we shouldn't shame anyone on their life choices. We also need to recognize the pressure put on women to have kids, a career, and their own hobbies and interests...in essence, that we must do and have it all.
Just an interesting read.
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LibraryThing member jen.e.moore
I liked this better than the other childfree book I read this year, but it still wasn't exactly a revelation. (I'm not sure why I keep reading books like this. It's not like I need to be convinced.) But I must say that if Lionel Shriver's essay is any indication of what her books are like, I have
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no interest in reading them, ever. Show Less
LibraryThing member jen.e.moore
I liked this better than the other childfree book I read this year, but it still wasn't exactly a revelation. (I'm not sure why I keep reading books like this. It's not like I need to be convinced.) But I must say that if Lionel Shriver's essay is any indication of what her books are like, I have
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no interest in reading them, ever. Show Less
LibraryThing member WordMaven
I really enjoyed the writing and opinions in this book. Written by 12 women and 4 men, these essays are thought-provoking and well thought out by individuals who know themselves, what they want, and what they *don't* want.
I love that the #1 common thread throughout was the desire to have more time
Contributors come from various backgrounds: intact homes, broken homes, single-parent homes, heterosexual, homosexual, black, white, Jewish, you name it.
What I found most thought-provoking was the complete annihilation of the myth that those who choose a child-free life are somehow "just being selfish"...in fact, people actually HAVE children for myriad selfish reasons, whether to meet the expectations of family, society at large, spousal pressure, or what have you. Also, this pressure is not the same across the board for all racial and economic groups; perhaps this is no secret, but it's certainly not discussed openly.
Unfortunately, I had to return this book to the library, but it's definitely worth a purchase. I've only read a handful of the contributing authors--Pam Houston of "Cowboys Are My Weakness" fame comes to mind--but if I'd had time, I'm sure I would've enjoyed all 16 essays. Editor Meghan Daum is no slouch, either. Her story is contributed in the Introduction.
Highly recommended and a must-read for anyone grappling with the decision whether to have children, those who are sick of the pressure from others to have children, and anyone who thinks of her (or him) self as a feminist.
I love that the #1 common thread throughout was the desire to have more time
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for reading and writing. You are preaching to the choir on that one! And let's not forget another important benefit of being child-free: time to sleep.Contributors come from various backgrounds: intact homes, broken homes, single-parent homes, heterosexual, homosexual, black, white, Jewish, you name it.
What I found most thought-provoking was the complete annihilation of the myth that those who choose a child-free life are somehow "just being selfish"...in fact, people actually HAVE children for myriad selfish reasons, whether to meet the expectations of family, society at large, spousal pressure, or what have you. Also, this pressure is not the same across the board for all racial and economic groups; perhaps this is no secret, but it's certainly not discussed openly.
Unfortunately, I had to return this book to the library, but it's definitely worth a purchase. I've only read a handful of the contributing authors--Pam Houston of "Cowboys Are My Weakness" fame comes to mind--but if I'd had time, I'm sure I would've enjoyed all 16 essays. Editor Meghan Daum is no slouch, either. Her story is contributed in the Introduction.
Highly recommended and a must-read for anyone grappling with the decision whether to have children, those who are sick of the pressure from others to have children, and anyone who thinks of her (or him) self as a feminist.
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LibraryThing member pennylane78
An eye-opening look on the decision to not have kids. I found myself agreeing and disagreeing with the authors of these essays. But overall, it was a refreshing take on the lives of those who have decided to have children for whatever reason.
LibraryThing member caitief
Others have reviewed this a little better, but I was hoping for more active choices than the more passive stories in this collection. I felt like one story was focused on again and again. There was a lot of looking down on younger people and the term "childfree" which I also found frustrating.
I took away an entire star because of the inclusion of Lionel Shriver's racism.
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There were essays I liked and I am glad this exists, but I think it could be better. I took away an entire star because of the inclusion of Lionel Shriver's racism.
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LibraryThing member jess_reads
3.5 stars.
This is an important book in that it reassures people (primarily women) that it is completely normal to decide to live child-free; and one can still have a fulfilling life. It is acceptable to choose this for any reason, since there are many different explanations as to why someone would
The essays are not groundbreaking, but it is an interesting read, and a great way to begin a conversation - albeit controversial - as to why people make such varied decisions regarding procreation and its meaning in one's life.
I would recommend this book for people who have reservations about having children. Since this tends to be a taboo topic and/or highly private choice, I expect it would not come up in a casual conversation.
This is an important book in that it reassures people (primarily women) that it is completely normal to decide to live child-free; and one can still have a fulfilling life. It is acceptable to choose this for any reason, since there are many different explanations as to why someone would
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decide not to have children. The essays are not groundbreaking, but it is an interesting read, and a great way to begin a conversation - albeit controversial - as to why people make such varied decisions regarding procreation and its meaning in one's life.
I would recommend this book for people who have reservations about having children. Since this tends to be a taboo topic and/or highly private choice, I expect it would not come up in a casual conversation.
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LibraryThing member GennaC
"Try this on. What if I didn't want to have babies because I loved my job too much to compromise it, or because serious travel makes me feel in relation to the world in an utterly essential way? What if I've always liked the looks of my own life much better than those of the ones I saw around me?
There are essays in this collection that gave me chills, splintered my heart, and even made me rather angry. I think the best writing invokes a myriad of strong feelings and I no doubt felt impacted by the ideas and experiences shared here. While there are similarities and parallels between some of the stories, most are also marked by their uniqueness, which makes it difficult to summarize this collection. Women and men who struggled with their decision, and those who didn't, Daum's collection gives voice to a steadily rising minority who have chosen to forgo children. These essays are thought provoking, funny, heartbreaking, and sometimes just plain weird. Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed is a diverse, intellectual dialogue on the cultural pressure (particularly for women) to parent and one which I immensely appreciated.
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What if, given the option, I would prefer to accept an assignment to go trekking for a month in the kingdom of Bhutan than spend that same month folding onesies? What if I simply like dogs a whole lot better than babies? What If I have become sure that personal freedom is the thing I hold most dear?"There are essays in this collection that gave me chills, splintered my heart, and even made me rather angry. I think the best writing invokes a myriad of strong feelings and I no doubt felt impacted by the ideas and experiences shared here. While there are similarities and parallels between some of the stories, most are also marked by their uniqueness, which makes it difficult to summarize this collection. Women and men who struggled with their decision, and those who didn't, Daum's collection gives voice to a steadily rising minority who have chosen to forgo children. These essays are thought provoking, funny, heartbreaking, and sometimes just plain weird. Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed is a diverse, intellectual dialogue on the cultural pressure (particularly for women) to parent and one which I immensely appreciated.
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LibraryThing member smorton11
I have not been asked why I don’t have children, but it has been mentioned, by people that I don’t know, that I must have children. Because I’ve said something nice to a child, because my “teacher voice” comes out occasionally, even just because I teach. The only people who pester me
I’ve been making my way through this essay collection for the past year, pretty much since shortly after my husband and I got married. Until that point, everyone asked when we were getting married, so I figured once that happened, people would start asking when we were having children and ding ding ding! I was right! Thankfully, Ben and I are on the same page when it comes to having children or not, we are both in the middle – we haven’t yet decided. But I’d like the world to understand, just as the sixteen writers in this collection outline, it’s our decision.
While the collection claims to examine many different reasons for not having children, none of the authors really touch on anything besides choice. Most other topics are not covered. Most of the authors discuss simply not feeling the maternal instinct. While I enjoyed reading each of these essays, they do tend towards ranting rather than an actual sociological perspective which would be a helpful addition to society’s debate over women’s reproductive choices.
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about when I’m going to have children are people I know. They don’t even ask if, always when, as thought the “if” is a forgone conclusion.I’ve been making my way through this essay collection for the past year, pretty much since shortly after my husband and I got married. Until that point, everyone asked when we were getting married, so I figured once that happened, people would start asking when we were having children and ding ding ding! I was right! Thankfully, Ben and I are on the same page when it comes to having children or not, we are both in the middle – we haven’t yet decided. But I’d like the world to understand, just as the sixteen writers in this collection outline, it’s our decision.
While the collection claims to examine many different reasons for not having children, none of the authors really touch on anything besides choice. Most other topics are not covered. Most of the authors discuss simply not feeling the maternal instinct. While I enjoyed reading each of these essays, they do tend towards ranting rather than an actual sociological perspective which would be a helpful addition to society’s debate over women’s reproductive choices.
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Awards
Globe and Mail Top 100 Book (2015)
Los Angeles Public Library Best of the Year (Non-Fiction — 2015)
Language
Original language
English
Original publication date
2016
Physical description
288 p.; 5.74 inches
ISBN
1250052939 / 9781250052933
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