Status
Checked out
Publication
San Francisco, CA : Greenery Press, c1997.
Description
Family & Relationships. Philosophy. Self-Improvement. Nonfiction. HTML:The classic guide to love, sex, and intimacy beyond the limits of conventional monogamy has been fully updated to reflect today??s modern attitudes and the latest information on nontraditional relationships. ??One of the most useful relationship books you could ever read, no matter what your lifestyle choices. It??s chock-full of great information about communication, jealousy, asking for what you want, and maintaining a relationship with integrity.???Annie Sprinkle, PhD, sexologist and author of Dr. Sprinkle??s Spectacular Sex For 20 years The Ethical Slut??widely known as the ??Poly Bible???has dispelled myths and showed curious readers how to maintain a successful polyamorous lifestyle through open communication, emotional honesty, and safer sex practices. The third edition of this timeless guide to the ethics of relationships, communication, and sex has been revised to include: ? Interviews with poly millennials (young people who have grown up without the prejudices their elders encountered regarding gender, orientation, sexuality, and relationships) ? Tributes to polyamory pioneers ? Tools for conflict resolution and instructions on how to improve interpersonal dynamics ? New sidebars on topics such as asexuality, sex workers, LGBTQ terminology, and ways polys can connect and thrive The authors also include new content addressing nontraditional relationships beyond the polyamorous paradigm of ??more than two?: couples who don't live together, couples who don't have sex with each other, nonparallel arrangements, couples with widely divergent sex styles, power disparities, and cross-orientation relationships, while utilizing nonbinary gender language and new terms that hav… (more)
User reviews
LibraryThing member BeeQuiet
As someone that generally goes for monogamy in relationships, I thought this would teach me more about how poly relationships can and do work than how my own relationships work. How wrong I was. This is a book that I think everyone should read, and one that I have already begun recommending to
I feel I should say something about the aspects of this book that I felt negatively about or that did not gel with me. I felt that the language was all rather 'new age', speaking of the healing force of sexuality and its spiritual basis. As someone currently about to be published on the basis of a critique of the spiritualisation of sexuality, I do find this more than a little problematic. Yes, sex can make us feel good, but does it have to be tied into spirituality all the time? Also, I felt uncomfortable with the references to people in domestically violent situations being urged to merely find other ways to communicate as opposed to blaming people could put many people, especially women, in dangerous situations. Many women remain in violent situations because it has been impressed upon them by society that they can change a person from being violent if they only love them, and try hard enough. Nonetheless, overall I found their book, especially their thoughts on negotiating boundaries, communication and jealousy extremely engaging and useful. I still prefer to be monogamous once I enter a relationship, but I still now feel proud to count myself as an ethical slut.
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people (my counsellor included). The Ethical Slut moves through various territories fraught with difficulties in all relationships, communication, jealousy, sexual pleasure; it is not just that these are difficult in one particular type of relationship, it can be difficult for all. Also, Easton and Liszt examine the way in which sexuality and relationships are understood in mainstream society, pointing out the logical flaws and negative assumptions made by most people regarding non-monogamous lifestyles. The concept of owning ones emotions, not making claims that another lover or partner "made" one feel angry, upset or jealous, is a useful concept, wonderfully and compassionately explained. I think that many relationships, be they monogamous or non-monogamous, or even friendships for that matter, would be far more stable and healthy if everyone read the sections on communication and jealousy in this book. Of course some sections are specifically focused on engaging in free-love, poly, non-monogamous relationships, such as handling the negative stigma present in mainstream society and the rearing of children in such an environment, yet even in these parts I felt I could take something. The fact that the book is written in an extremely accessible fashion and with a good sense of humour certainly helped.I feel I should say something about the aspects of this book that I felt negatively about or that did not gel with me. I felt that the language was all rather 'new age', speaking of the healing force of sexuality and its spiritual basis. As someone currently about to be published on the basis of a critique of the spiritualisation of sexuality, I do find this more than a little problematic. Yes, sex can make us feel good, but does it have to be tied into spirituality all the time? Also, I felt uncomfortable with the references to people in domestically violent situations being urged to merely find other ways to communicate as opposed to blaming people could put many people, especially women, in dangerous situations. Many women remain in violent situations because it has been impressed upon them by society that they can change a person from being violent if they only love them, and try hard enough. Nonetheless, overall I found their book, especially their thoughts on negotiating boundaries, communication and jealousy extremely engaging and useful. I still prefer to be monogamous once I enter a relationship, but I still now feel proud to count myself as an ethical slut.
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LibraryThing member damsorrow
Bad: Kinda for people who believe crystals can heal.
Good: Really excellent and practical instructions on forming your own relationships and becoming a whole person, whether you're poly or monogamous or undefineably sexy. Easy + fun read.
Good: Really excellent and practical instructions on forming your own relationships and becoming a whole person, whether you're poly or monogamous or undefineably sexy. Easy + fun read.
LibraryThing member billierain
when i saw this on the shelf of good vibrations in san francisco, i exclaimed to my partner, "ethical slut? hey! that's me!!" my copy of this book is well-worn; in fact it's completely battered and was dropped in the bath at least once. this is a testament to how useful and engaging the information
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presented here is to someone like myself. someone, that is, who has never fit in to the monogamy mold. until i found this book i created my own relationship path out of necessity. since owning it i have continued to do so, but armed with the knowledge that i am not alone and with more tools than were ever provided to me before or since. Show Less
LibraryThing member persephonehazard
A friend gave me this for my eighteenth birthday, after I'd been practicing polyamory for a year and a bit. I was taught well by experienced non-monogamists and so to me it was nothing new, but it felt like the genesis of our lifestyle and something I was comforted to read. I now approach my
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twenty-second birthday, am still successfully polyamorous, and will soon lend my copy of this book to both of my current boyfriends - neither of whom have been in a non-monogamous relationship before. Show Less
LibraryThing member mephistia
Before I write my review, I want to say something. I don't normally read psycho-babble self-help relationship-help type books.
Maybe it's because I've been in therapy for bipolar since I was 13, maybe it's because I regularly read psychology and medical texts, maybe it's because I have an
And too often, self-help books and relationship manuals rely on what I perceive as the negative perpetuation of the idea that one can improve serious issues like depression, bipolar, dissociative personality disorders, PTSD, and other serious mental issues through "happy thoughts" and "positive thinking" and "spiritual energies" and other hoo-ha.
Most relationship "help" books also tend to tilt too far in one direction or the other: Here's how to change him/her (you can't change another person, it's an exercise in futility and only hurts everyone involved), or, alternatively and supposedly more realistically: You can't change them, so accept them faults and all and love them as they are. Live with it.
Both of those tactics are depressing and horrific and probably help attribute to the high divorce rate, as neither of those tactics are in any way conductive to honest communication.
Which is why The Ethical Slut is so freaking awesome. The authors are proponents of polyamory, or open relationships, that's true. But the basic tenants of communication and how to strengthen a core relationship, the little exercises for opening up the lines of discussion between a couple -- everything in this book is invaluable.
I loved the concept of "agreements" rather than "rules" -- it's so easy for someone to say, "This is a rule," and we think of something strict and unbreakable and feel boxed in and itchy and, even if we often don't admit it, angry and wanting to break it. Rules beg to be broken. But agreements sound so flexible, so easy and negotiable.
As my husband pointed out when I discussed this with him, they have safety rules at his place of work and they get broken all the time (which irritates the crap out of him, as a forklift driver). But they also have employee agreements, which are re-negotiated every two years, with employee input.
And I can see how that parallels so easily. It makes sense.
Another thing the authors discussed was arguing -- obviously, all couples argue. Everybody argues. We have to argue, it's how we hash out the difficult issues, paying bills and visiting inlaws and everything big and little that we disagree on. The authors introduced two new concepts to me: Scheduling fights (?!?!) and the win-win idea.
I'd heard of scheduling sex. I'm pretty sure that anyone married more than 3 years and definitely anyone with a kid has been introduced to the concept of scheduling sex. At first it sounds weird, but then you get used to the idea, and then it makes perfect sense. There's still spontaneous sex, yeah, but there's also scheduled sex.
Well, the authors discussed how scheduling fights and learning how to fight constructively -- letting each person have uninterrupted time to air their feelings, practicing fighting over small issues using a timer, learning to walk away and calm down for 10 to 15 minutes when things got too heated -- can strengthen a relationship.
The concept of a win-win is brilliant, too. It's basically compromise, but I love how they phrased it, because we all go into an argument wanting to win. It's how we're wired -- we want to make our point and we want to win, and once we do, it'll be done because we've won, right?
Except it's not done just because we've won, because somebody's lost and a loser is never happy. They're still angry and mulling over their loss and what happened and one day that same damn argument will swell up and bite you in the ass, even though the winner thought it was over and done and behind them -- they won, so it was done, right?
That's where win-win, compromise, agreements come in. If everyone feels like they've won, then there are no losers and the argument is truly over. It won't come back to bite anybody in the ass. But only if you've hashed out a compromise that's truly a win-win for everybody, something that everyone is happy with and can live with.
And all these things seem so self-evident, so, "Well, duh, I knew that."
They're the type of things that when you read them, you're nodding and laughing and going, "Yeah, I totally get that!" and making little notes in the margins and underlining phrases and entire paragraphs. Because even though in some part of your brain you knew that and you totally understood how that worked, you couldn't quite figure out how to phrase it in just the right way.
I swear, this book is a must have for everybody in a relationship or anybody who wants to be in a relationship. It's awesome. It doesn't matter if you're in a monogamous relationship, an open relationship, or curious about an open relationship. It's great for anyone, seriously. Read it.
Maybe it's because I've been in therapy for bipolar since I was 13, maybe it's because I regularly read psychology and medical texts, maybe it's because I have an
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immediately visceral and negative reaction to the idea of trying to change another person. This is probably due to the fact that people have been trying to "change" me for so long, convince me that bipolar is a figment of my imagination, a fallacy that I can overcome by strength of will.And too often, self-help books and relationship manuals rely on what I perceive as the negative perpetuation of the idea that one can improve serious issues like depression, bipolar, dissociative personality disorders, PTSD, and other serious mental issues through "happy thoughts" and "positive thinking" and "spiritual energies" and other hoo-ha.
Most relationship "help" books also tend to tilt too far in one direction or the other: Here's how to change him/her (you can't change another person, it's an exercise in futility and only hurts everyone involved), or, alternatively and supposedly more realistically: You can't change them, so accept them faults and all and love them as they are. Live with it.
Both of those tactics are depressing and horrific and probably help attribute to the high divorce rate, as neither of those tactics are in any way conductive to honest communication.
Which is why The Ethical Slut is so freaking awesome. The authors are proponents of polyamory, or open relationships, that's true. But the basic tenants of communication and how to strengthen a core relationship, the little exercises for opening up the lines of discussion between a couple -- everything in this book is invaluable.
I loved the concept of "agreements" rather than "rules" -- it's so easy for someone to say, "This is a rule," and we think of something strict and unbreakable and feel boxed in and itchy and, even if we often don't admit it, angry and wanting to break it. Rules beg to be broken. But agreements sound so flexible, so easy and negotiable.
As my husband pointed out when I discussed this with him, they have safety rules at his place of work and they get broken all the time (which irritates the crap out of him, as a forklift driver). But they also have employee agreements, which are re-negotiated every two years, with employee input.
And I can see how that parallels so easily. It makes sense.
Another thing the authors discussed was arguing -- obviously, all couples argue. Everybody argues. We have to argue, it's how we hash out the difficult issues, paying bills and visiting inlaws and everything big and little that we disagree on. The authors introduced two new concepts to me: Scheduling fights (?!?!) and the win-win idea.
I'd heard of scheduling sex. I'm pretty sure that anyone married more than 3 years and definitely anyone with a kid has been introduced to the concept of scheduling sex. At first it sounds weird, but then you get used to the idea, and then it makes perfect sense. There's still spontaneous sex, yeah, but there's also scheduled sex.
Well, the authors discussed how scheduling fights and learning how to fight constructively -- letting each person have uninterrupted time to air their feelings, practicing fighting over small issues using a timer, learning to walk away and calm down for 10 to 15 minutes when things got too heated -- can strengthen a relationship.
The concept of a win-win is brilliant, too. It's basically compromise, but I love how they phrased it, because we all go into an argument wanting to win. It's how we're wired -- we want to make our point and we want to win, and once we do, it'll be done because we've won, right?
Except it's not done just because we've won, because somebody's lost and a loser is never happy. They're still angry and mulling over their loss and what happened and one day that same damn argument will swell up and bite you in the ass, even though the winner thought it was over and done and behind them -- they won, so it was done, right?
That's where win-win, compromise, agreements come in. If everyone feels like they've won, then there are no losers and the argument is truly over. It won't come back to bite anybody in the ass. But only if you've hashed out a compromise that's truly a win-win for everybody, something that everyone is happy with and can live with.
And all these things seem so self-evident, so, "Well, duh, I knew that."
They're the type of things that when you read them, you're nodding and laughing and going, "Yeah, I totally get that!" and making little notes in the margins and underlining phrases and entire paragraphs. Because even though in some part of your brain you knew that and you totally understood how that worked, you couldn't quite figure out how to phrase it in just the right way.
I swear, this book is a must have for everybody in a relationship or anybody who wants to be in a relationship. It's awesome. It doesn't matter if you're in a monogamous relationship, an open relationship, or curious about an open relationship. It's great for anyone, seriously. Read it.
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LibraryThing member KayPrime
This book gives great advice about owning your feelings, enjoying your sex and sexuality, and setting limits that make you and your partner(s) comfortable.
Although the book is a bit too "flower child" at times and could focus more on emotional connections rather than just sexual ones since it is
Although the book is a bit too "flower child" at times and could focus more on emotional connections rather than just sexual ones since it is
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touted as a poly book, I'd recommend this book to anyone interested in experiencing a positive message on sex and sexuality as well as alternate relationship options. Show Less
LibraryThing member sadukie
While I'm not personally interested in being in an "open relationship", a male friend of mine had mentioned this book and I was curious. Sluts are a special type of human, a group not committed to monogamy. However, they have morals and standards too! This book gets into the ethical and moral
(And for those of you who've seen my profile, this is a hardcover book. It took me awhile to track a copy down, as the library systems where I live did not carry it - but other libraries in the state did. I have yet to see this in audio book format, so this review is actually of the book.)
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standpoints of sluthood and what it's all about. Keep in mind that this isn't for "players"... this is for the person who is honest about juggling multiple relationships. If you have an open mind and are curious as to what sluts' morals and ethics should be like, definitely read this book!(And for those of you who've seen my profile, this is a hardcover book. It took me awhile to track a copy down, as the library systems where I live did not carry it - but other libraries in the state did. I have yet to see this in audio book format, so this review is actually of the book.)
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LibraryThing member michaelbartley
while the book is a guild to the world of plyamory, a way of having more then one lover and do it a ethical and healthy way. the guildllines they write about would work in a monogamous relationship. be direct in what you want, be honest is what you are, respect your lover,own your feelings, and
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respect your boundries and your lovers' I like this book it opened up new ways of thinking Show Less
LibraryThing member MeditationesMartini
Fuck fuck fuckity shit fuck kick cock kuck! This was, like, the longest review I ever wrote; it had a magnificent narrative arc; it had tragedy and also humour; you would have laughed and I would have looked back in my old age and remembered how it felt here, today, to write about an Ethical Slut
Ahhh, fuck ya. (What kind of name is "mozilla firefox" anyway? It's like the dude's name was Moe and his Hawaiian shirts weren't loud enough. "Mozilla! The Mo-man! The ..." the Moeminator. (headdroop.) This book was panglossian and mischaracterized its opponents (what opponents?) as repressed haters in a way that was totally not cricket, and I gave it 1.5 stars and that's all the review you get now, because I was cursed as an infant by gypsies or Krampus to always fail. Also, polyamory is doomed to fail not because we are jealous and repressed, but because monoamory is hard enough. How many ways is there for any relationship to fail? Say each partner brings a million to the table, even the most progressive of us. Safe assumption? NOW HOW IS ADDING MORE DUDES A GOOD IDEA?????
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review-relevant situation when it was fresh like heart's blood on snow and not stinking and rotten like all memories of youth in the brainz of the old. Goddddd, so surly and demoralized. Howzabout you invent an automatic text box input-savety thing, firefox? Gmail has one. Could you imagine that that would be possibly ever a thing that some people would use or appreciate or need? COULD YOU?Ahhh, fuck ya. (What kind of name is "mozilla firefox" anyway? It's like the dude's name was Moe and his Hawaiian shirts weren't loud enough. "Mozilla! The Mo-man! The ..." the Moeminator. (headdroop.) This book was panglossian and mischaracterized its opponents (what opponents?) as repressed haters in a way that was totally not cricket, and I gave it 1.5 stars and that's all the review you get now, because I was cursed as an infant by gypsies or Krampus to always fail. Also, polyamory is doomed to fail not because we are jealous and repressed, but because monoamory is hard enough. How many ways is there for any relationship to fail? Say each partner brings a million to the table, even the most progressive of us. Safe assumption? NOW HOW IS ADDING MORE DUDES A GOOD IDEA?????
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LibraryThing member morag_eyrie
This book is great for anyone to read, gay, straight, bisexual, whether or not they are in an open relationship, or even want one. Because it focuses on honesty and communication and boundaries in sexual relationships in such a clear way.
LibraryThing member librarycatnip
This is really fabulous book about unconventional relationships, primarily directed toward varieties of polyamory, but containing extremely useful information/perspectives for anyone who wants to own their sexuality, or maintain relationships outside of the most narrow confines of conventionality.
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Particularly the techniques for communication discussed are incredibly useful. Show Less
LibraryThing member willszal
Supposedly a handbook for polyamory, but not necessarily the most useful. You probably intuitively know everything in here already. Good communication is what counts! And any kind of relationship is hard, so don't give up.
LibraryThing member Cheryl_in_CC_NV
I don't remember getting much out of it, but that may be just because the concept of polyamory was always comfortable to me, and the practice was easy because my partners and I were all grown-ups with plenty of relationship experiences. It is still, I'm sure, one of the go-to classics for anyone
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who wants to read a book to help them on the path. Show Less
LibraryThing member bookwormteri
A beautifully written primer for those who want to live a polyamorous lifestyle. Non judgmental and lovingly written.
LibraryThing member jms001
Slut: A person who celebrates sexuality with an open mind and an open heart.
There, you heard it. The word has been reclaimed, and therefore you should not be offended by the use of such word. If you are offended in the slightest, then you probably shouldn't read this book of general ideas of how to
To start off, I would definitely say that this book is a great conversation starter. There's so many things to discuss in it, and I would recommend everyone to read this book, if they can at least open their mind. This book is something of a 'relationship help' type of book, meaning that it shares the opinion of the writers of the book. If you feel like challenging yourself and your own ideas of what it means to love someone in a relationship, then this is for you.
"A few, though, persist and discover that being openly loving, intimate, and sexual with many people is not only possible but can be more rewarding than they ever imagined."
The authors here go in depth in having open relationships and other polyamory adventures, and it's really up to the reader to interpret it how they want. With my interpretation, I read it as a book about how to love everyone close in life. There's no hierarchy of partners, family, and friends. No...nothing like that. It's an equal opportunity world. No more feeling like there's only so much attention one can give or receive. They talk about something called 'starvation economies,' which is something we may learn as children where one child gets more love and attention than another. But of course, there is no finite amount of love, sex, commitment, support, and nurturing to go around.
You shouldn't be deceived by the idea of sexual freedom as having sex. This can even include celibacy: "We think that any kind of sexual freedom must include the freedom to not have sex, without being pestered or pathologized. And with that being said, there are an infinite number of possibilities to have relationships with other people, sexual or non-sexual, inter- or outercourse, one or many, and everything in between. Now are you getting the idea of being an ethical slut?
The main theme behind their opinions in this book is, of course, being ethical. What does this mean? Why, being honest. Not all people are created the same in their desires for love and companionship. And we shouldn't feel that we should conform to society that being monogamous is the norm, and if you're not, then you are in the wrong. Here's where many people may be challenged. You may have yet to realize that there are other minority groups out there that you may not have even realized existed! What about those people that need more than one person to love? Have you ever felt that way, and then felt ashamed for even thinking it?
"But cheating is not necessarily about some failure in your connection, and it is cruel to tell people that something is wrong with a perfectly good relationship just because sexual desire has a way of squirming out of bounds."
"Having a limit does not mean that you are inhibited, uptight, no fun, or a permanent victim of American puritanism--it just means you don't like something." Nicely said.
There will probably be a number of things that you won't personally agree with, but that shouldn't stop you from reading it, should it? If it did, then you probably shouldn't be reading anything. This book is a great explanation on how to live loving, open lives with everyone close to us. Be honest with those you hold dear to you, and more importantly, be honest with yourself. Own your feelings. Know what you want and don't want in your own life. And then feel free to just be yourself in your interactions with those around you. Once you get the hang of it, it's not all that hard. Just try it.
There, you heard it. The word has been reclaimed, and therefore you should not be offended by the use of such word. If you are offended in the slightest, then you probably shouldn't read this book of general ideas of how to
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live a positive, loving, life. You will just be even more offended.To start off, I would definitely say that this book is a great conversation starter. There's so many things to discuss in it, and I would recommend everyone to read this book, if they can at least open their mind. This book is something of a 'relationship help' type of book, meaning that it shares the opinion of the writers of the book. If you feel like challenging yourself and your own ideas of what it means to love someone in a relationship, then this is for you.
"A few, though, persist and discover that being openly loving, intimate, and sexual with many people is not only possible but can be more rewarding than they ever imagined."
The authors here go in depth in having open relationships and other polyamory adventures, and it's really up to the reader to interpret it how they want. With my interpretation, I read it as a book about how to love everyone close in life. There's no hierarchy of partners, family, and friends. No...nothing like that. It's an equal opportunity world. No more feeling like there's only so much attention one can give or receive. They talk about something called 'starvation economies,' which is something we may learn as children where one child gets more love and attention than another. But of course, there is no finite amount of love, sex, commitment, support, and nurturing to go around.
You shouldn't be deceived by the idea of sexual freedom as having sex. This can even include celibacy: "We think that any kind of sexual freedom must include the freedom to not have sex, without being pestered or pathologized. And with that being said, there are an infinite number of possibilities to have relationships with other people, sexual or non-sexual, inter- or outercourse, one or many, and everything in between. Now are you getting the idea of being an ethical slut?
The main theme behind their opinions in this book is, of course, being ethical. What does this mean? Why, being honest. Not all people are created the same in their desires for love and companionship. And we shouldn't feel that we should conform to society that being monogamous is the norm, and if you're not, then you are in the wrong. Here's where many people may be challenged. You may have yet to realize that there are other minority groups out there that you may not have even realized existed! What about those people that need more than one person to love? Have you ever felt that way, and then felt ashamed for even thinking it?
"But cheating is not necessarily about some failure in your connection, and it is cruel to tell people that something is wrong with a perfectly good relationship just because sexual desire has a way of squirming out of bounds."
"Having a limit does not mean that you are inhibited, uptight, no fun, or a permanent victim of American puritanism--it just means you don't like something." Nicely said.
There will probably be a number of things that you won't personally agree with, but that shouldn't stop you from reading it, should it? If it did, then you probably shouldn't be reading anything. This book is a great explanation on how to live loving, open lives with everyone close to us. Be honest with those you hold dear to you, and more importantly, be honest with yourself. Own your feelings. Know what you want and don't want in your own life. And then feel free to just be yourself in your interactions with those around you. Once you get the hang of it, it's not all that hard. Just try it.
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LibraryThing member endlessforms
Blah. Not a fan; too many assumptions.
LibraryThing member raselyem7
This is really fabulous book about unconventional relationships, primarily directed toward varieties of polyamory, but containing extremely useful information/perspectives for anyone who wants to own their sexuality, or maintain relationships outside of the most narrow confines of conventionality.
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Particularly the techniques for communication discussed are incredibly useful. Show Less
LibraryThing member JudithProctor
I found this to be an interesting book with plenty of original ideas and much good advice on the subject of being honest in your relationships - which I found useful in reinforcing my own beliefs. However (and admittedly, it isn't what the book is really about), it has very little to offer to those
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whose partners are not keen on the idea of a poly relationship. Show Less
LibraryThing member satyridae
Simplistic, smug and annoying. I read this when it first came out and it added nothing to my understanding of polyamory. I found it fairly repetitive but mostly just oversimplified. Also I loathed the cover, which shouldn't count but does. Probably okay for the person who has never heard of poly
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before. Show Less
LibraryThing member fundevogel
I tend to roll my eyes at self-help books and relationship books. It probably isn't my best attribute, but it's true. This one I ate up. This was almost certainly because we live in a society so knotted up about sexuality and traditional monogamy that there really isn't much discussion of, let
It was.
The book starts off beautifully from the simple premise: Sex is fun and pleasure is good for you. The authors proudly dismiss the idea that the number of partners a person has has any bearing on their value as a person or their moral fiber. This, they point out, is a hold over from our culture's long tradition of commodifying sex, or, more specifically, commodifying women according to the exclusivity of their bodies. There is of course nothing wrong with monogamy if it is what works for a couple, however the authors are quick to point out that love and sex need not go hand in hand, and if love is dependent on complete sexual possession of your partner's body you might be confusing your lover with your property. You love a person for who they are, not who they do.
These are of course things that need to be sorted out by the individuals involved and nowhere in the book do the authors imply one sort of relationship to be superior to another. They do however point out that what's best for one person is not necessarily best for another and what is best for a person can change over a lifetime. Or several times. They dig into the ethics and strategies of non-monogamy and here it really opens up. Frankly, with the possibly exception of the chapter on how to negotiate sex parties, this section really ought to apply to anyone. Communication and emotional honesty are emphasized above all else. Using this basic foundation the authors detail how to sort out what boundaries you need in your relationship and how to deal with the difficulties and problems that will arise in a non-mongamous relationship. Not because non-monogamy is inherently more fragile than monogamy, but because every relationship faces challenges.
I still don't know how exactly I would like to structure my romantic relationships, but now I'm a lot more knowledgeable about the options out there and feel more secure knowing my relationships don't need fit any expectations or structure other than those imposed by the people involved. Yay!
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alone positive role modeling of healthy non-monogamous relationships out in the open. Lately I have become more and more aware that a lot of perfectly lovely people have been cutting their own path when it comes to structuring their intimate relationships. Couple that with my own disinterest in the traditional institution of marriage and this seemed like the book for me.It was.
The book starts off beautifully from the simple premise: Sex is fun and pleasure is good for you. The authors proudly dismiss the idea that the number of partners a person has has any bearing on their value as a person or their moral fiber. This, they point out, is a hold over from our culture's long tradition of commodifying sex, or, more specifically, commodifying women according to the exclusivity of their bodies. There is of course nothing wrong with monogamy if it is what works for a couple, however the authors are quick to point out that love and sex need not go hand in hand, and if love is dependent on complete sexual possession of your partner's body you might be confusing your lover with your property. You love a person for who they are, not who they do.
These are of course things that need to be sorted out by the individuals involved and nowhere in the book do the authors imply one sort of relationship to be superior to another. They do however point out that what's best for one person is not necessarily best for another and what is best for a person can change over a lifetime. Or several times. They dig into the ethics and strategies of non-monogamy and here it really opens up. Frankly, with the possibly exception of the chapter on how to negotiate sex parties, this section really ought to apply to anyone. Communication and emotional honesty are emphasized above all else. Using this basic foundation the authors detail how to sort out what boundaries you need in your relationship and how to deal with the difficulties and problems that will arise in a non-mongamous relationship. Not because non-monogamy is inherently more fragile than monogamy, but because every relationship faces challenges.
I still don't know how exactly I would like to structure my romantic relationships, but now I'm a lot more knowledgeable about the options out there and feel more secure knowing my relationships don't need fit any expectations or structure other than those imposed by the people involved. Yay!
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LibraryThing member Evadare
I feel like this book speaks to me deeply, because on some gut emotional/instinctual level, I have never understood why **anyone** would want monogamy for life. It just....has zero attraction for me. And for too long I felt like a failure as a woman because I just did not grok why so much of the
Eventually, though, I've had to come to grips with the fact that a lot of people assume exclusivity = love and this is "normal," and I really needed this book to give me good logical arguments to the contrary.
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world thought this was important--I sure don't. Eventually, though, I've had to come to grips with the fact that a lot of people assume exclusivity = love and this is "normal," and I really needed this book to give me good logical arguments to the contrary.
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LibraryThing member freddlerabbit
I think this book is simple and clear - it's written quite assertively, and the tone may be a little off-putting, but essentially, it's an off the shelf self-help guide for those who believe sexual monogamy might not be the right choice for them - but who are feeling guilty or conflicted about
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that. It encourages honesty with oneself and one's partner and provides some basic techniques for dealing with the challenges of a nontraditional sex life or relationship. Overall, I think it's fairly solid - it can't be all things to all people, and if you already are very sex-positive and not concerned about cultural pressures to live one way or another, you might not find it useful; on the other hand, it's nice to hear those same attitudes in print, when the others are so prevalent elsewhere. Show Less
LibraryThing member heart77
The "polyamorous Bible" that, in my opinion, did a lot more harm than good in the community. Instead of a relationship guide, it reads in some ways as a book about how stupid monogamous people are. It's a bit snobby. Beyond that, it relies too much on sex as a way to fix problems in a relationship.
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Although sexual attention is important to many people, and make-up sex is nice, it's not going to fix things like a breakdown in communication, a partner's refusal to clean the litter box, or badly-matched life goals. I could have done without the vivid orgy house-party chapter as well. For those new to the polyamory scene, I would instead recommend books on relationships written by marriage counselors, books on the "five love styles", books on healing from abuse, books on psychology and communication styles, etc - being polyamorous is not that different from being monogamous. This is just my opinion, and you don't have to agree. Show Less
Subjects
Language
Original publication date
1997
Physical description
279 p.; 23 cm
ISBN
9781890159016