Status
Available
Publication
Random House (2022), 240 pages
Description
"Amy and Brian's world was changed forever with his diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's. Forced to confront the daily frustrations and realities of the disease and its impact on their lives and marriage, Brian resolved not to let it dictate his life and instead asked himself: What makes life meaningful, and how do I want to live the rest of mine? His decision led them to learn about Dignitas and to fly to Zürich for a peaceful ending of Brian's life. In Love is the illuminating story of a marriage, of the gradual awareness that something was deeply wrong, and of a disease's effect on a man, a woman, a family. What were the signs that Brian and Amy brushed aside, and how did they cope when they could no longer ignore the truth as confirmed by an MRI? Why, in retrospect, did Brian decide to retire from his architecture practice earlier than he had planned? Bloom goes on to recount their search for a dignified and kind solution to the pain of Brian's life, and their discovery of Dignitas in Zurich, where the choice for a dignified end of life can be realized. In this moving memoir, Bloom also writes of their life together before Alzheimer's, and of a love that runs so deep that they were willing to work to find a courageous way to part"--… (more)
User reviews
LibraryThing member Narshkite
A beautiful story of true love.
When Amy Bloom's husband of 13 years, Brian, begins to act strangely, to screw up at work, to lose interest in the things he loved, a series of doctor's appointments led to a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. There was no time at which Brian wanted to continue the long
The US does not provide people with the means to end life peacefully. Even in the few right to die states people must be about to die of natural causes to be allowed to die peacefully. This is something that baffles me. All this leave it in God's hands bullshit makes me crazy. If we left it in God's hands we would not have developed all these medical interventions that extend life and we would still die when we were 40, well before the age when most (not all) people face questions about wasting illnesses. In any event, Amy and Brian are left with only one option, Dignitas. If you think it is easy to schedule your end at Dignitas this book will teach you otherwise. It is surprisingly difficult and unsurprisingly expensive to be accepted by Dignitas, and the paperwork is crazy (impossible for those with dementia who do not have a committed love one to help.) And it turns out doctors in the US will try to foil you during the process as you collect necessary health records and psychiatric reports. Bloom details all of this, and also lets us know about her decent, brilliant, loud, loving, and very difficult husband and about their unlikely and enviable love for one another.
This was moving and affirming and heartbreaking but it is never exploitive at all. So many writers would have gone all gooey, but this is as spare as can be. You don't care about these people because Bloom tells a schmaltzy story, or makes them look more vulnerable than any person ever. You care about these people because they are good people, imperfect and good, and they got dealt a terrible hand, and they played their hands with love, grace, maturity and dignity. It is impossible to understand why that is not an option open to everyone.
When Amy Bloom's husband of 13 years, Brian, begins to act strangely, to screw up at work, to lose interest in the things he loved, a series of doctor's appointments led to a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. There was no time at which Brian wanted to continue the long
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goodbye of Alzheimer's. When he was losing the ability to lead a full and independent life it was time to check out.The US does not provide people with the means to end life peacefully. Even in the few right to die states people must be about to die of natural causes to be allowed to die peacefully. This is something that baffles me. All this leave it in God's hands bullshit makes me crazy. If we left it in God's hands we would not have developed all these medical interventions that extend life and we would still die when we were 40, well before the age when most (not all) people face questions about wasting illnesses. In any event, Amy and Brian are left with only one option, Dignitas. If you think it is easy to schedule your end at Dignitas this book will teach you otherwise. It is surprisingly difficult and unsurprisingly expensive to be accepted by Dignitas, and the paperwork is crazy (impossible for those with dementia who do not have a committed love one to help.) And it turns out doctors in the US will try to foil you during the process as you collect necessary health records and psychiatric reports. Bloom details all of this, and also lets us know about her decent, brilliant, loud, loving, and very difficult husband and about their unlikely and enviable love for one another.
This was moving and affirming and heartbreaking but it is never exploitive at all. So many writers would have gone all gooey, but this is as spare as can be. You don't care about these people because Bloom tells a schmaltzy story, or makes them look more vulnerable than any person ever. You care about these people because they are good people, imperfect and good, and they got dealt a terrible hand, and they played their hands with love, grace, maturity and dignity. It is impossible to understand why that is not an option open to everyone.
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LibraryThing member JulieStielstra
* Thanks to NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.*
Unsparing, honest, heartfelt, poignant, yet never tips into pathos.
Amy and Brian are cuddled up in a business-class flight to Zurich. They drink champagne, stay in a 5-star hotel, binge on chocolates and long walks. It sounds like a
She does. And this book tells us how. The doctor's appointments, the psychiatric evaluations, the nearly obsessive watching of films and videos about Alzheimer's (Amy rolls them in furtive fits and starts when Brian isn't home), the internet trolling, the collapses into grief, fear, exhaustion, resentments, tears and great waves of love - for Brian, for family, for friends, the kids. The quest leads them to the Swiss organization Dignitas - the only way there is for an American to privately, peacefully, painlessly and legally end their life of their own accord, on their own terms, with medical aid, sympathy, and respect. Even those states with right-to-die laws have requirements of residency, a confirmed terminal diagnosis and life expectancy of less than 6 months (Alzheimer's can take years to finally put you out), restrictions on appropriate drugs, and other barriers. A friend of mine has said, "I figure as long as I have a car and a garage, I have a way," but Bloom learns that with the advent of pollution controls and catalytic converters, even that may not work.
Dignitas it is. Screening is careful, many many documents are required; a wrongly categorized diagnostic code for an MRI nearly scuttles the whole thing, until Bloom's heroic therapist steps in; a supportive sibling provides unstinting financial and emotional support - as do family members and friends on all sides. Bloom herself is a clinical social worker by training and practice, and perhaps a certain amount of... not distancing, but realistic, clear-eyed observation of what's happening to her and Brian enabled her to write this experience with truth. She acknowledges failures, needs, frustrations, and fears; discusses how they decide what they will tell the young granddaughters about why their Babu didn't come home from that trip. There is little in the way of polemics about why a voluntary death of this nature is made so difficult; simply telling their story in unvarnished, clean prose says all that needs to be said, and shows us how one couple made their way to the quiet, decent ending they sought and deserved.
An elegant, brave addition to the literature of terminal illness and death.
Unsparing, honest, heartfelt, poignant, yet never tips into pathos.
Amy and Brian are cuddled up in a business-class flight to Zurich. They drink champagne, stay in a 5-star hotel, binge on chocolates and long walks. It sounds like a
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celebration. But three years earlier, 12 years into Amy Bloom and Brian Ameche's middle-aged marriage, Brian began to struggle at work. He forgot things, names, appointments, where local things are. Things that used to light him up didn't any more; he made odd purchases, started calling all four of his step-granddaughters "darling" instead of by their names. Finally, Brian - the admiring, engaged reader of all Amy's writing - leaves a script forgotten on the floor, and confesses he just couldn't follow it very well... The neurocognitive tests are clear: Brian has early-onset Alzheimer's. Brian exits the neurologist's office with his mind made up: he will go out while still on his feet, not wait till he is on his knees. And Amy will figure it out for him.She does. And this book tells us how. The doctor's appointments, the psychiatric evaluations, the nearly obsessive watching of films and videos about Alzheimer's (Amy rolls them in furtive fits and starts when Brian isn't home), the internet trolling, the collapses into grief, fear, exhaustion, resentments, tears and great waves of love - for Brian, for family, for friends, the kids. The quest leads them to the Swiss organization Dignitas - the only way there is for an American to privately, peacefully, painlessly and legally end their life of their own accord, on their own terms, with medical aid, sympathy, and respect. Even those states with right-to-die laws have requirements of residency, a confirmed terminal diagnosis and life expectancy of less than 6 months (Alzheimer's can take years to finally put you out), restrictions on appropriate drugs, and other barriers. A friend of mine has said, "I figure as long as I have a car and a garage, I have a way," but Bloom learns that with the advent of pollution controls and catalytic converters, even that may not work.
Dignitas it is. Screening is careful, many many documents are required; a wrongly categorized diagnostic code for an MRI nearly scuttles the whole thing, until Bloom's heroic therapist steps in; a supportive sibling provides unstinting financial and emotional support - as do family members and friends on all sides. Bloom herself is a clinical social worker by training and practice, and perhaps a certain amount of... not distancing, but realistic, clear-eyed observation of what's happening to her and Brian enabled her to write this experience with truth. She acknowledges failures, needs, frustrations, and fears; discusses how they decide what they will tell the young granddaughters about why their Babu didn't come home from that trip. There is little in the way of polemics about why a voluntary death of this nature is made so difficult; simply telling their story in unvarnished, clean prose says all that needs to be said, and shows us how one couple made their way to the quiet, decent ending they sought and deserved.
An elegant, brave addition to the literature of terminal illness and death.
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LibraryThing member bobbieharv
Amazing to be able to write so beautifully about something so terribly sad: her husband's decision to end his life "with dignity." Not an easy process, logistically or emotionally.
LibraryThing member brianinbuffalo
Bloom has penned an eye-opening look at assisted suicide. “In Love” shares many insights that are timely and compelling given society’s aging demographics. I learned about the legal framework involving assisted suicide and Dignitas, a Swiss entity that offers “accompanied death.”
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Bloom’s overall writing takes a “minimalist” approach – a trait that I typically applaud. Candidly, too many talented authors who have promising stories to tell simply go on for too long. But in this case, I wish I had a bit more insight and background involving the mindset of Bloom’s ailing husband. This slim volume seemed to end before I had a chance to truly connect with and understand Brian. Having said that, “In Love” is an interesting, emotional and extraordinarily educational examination of an important topic. Show Less
LibraryThing member sblock
Speechless. I'll be thinking about this book for a long time.
LibraryThing member LoriKBoyd
This book brings the subject of Death by Dignity to the forefront and will have you understanding the daunting process the patient and family go thru, from broaching the topic to finding help, acceptance of the decision and the aftermath, not only of the act itself but peoples opinion of it. I
Thanks to Ms. Bloom, Random House and NetGalley for this ARC. Opinion is mine alone.
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found it brutally honest as to the emotions that go into such a monumental decision..denial, disdain, fear, reluctance, acceptance. While not as maudlin as I feared, I found this book a brutally honest account of a loving couple faced with the horrific diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, the patient’s capacity to understand and make a correct decision for himself and the caregiver’s ability to see this and understand the need for this path forward, regardless of her opinion. Could I make this decision? Could I assist my loved one with this decision? I seriously don’t know, and hope I never have to find out. Thanks to Ms. Bloom, Random House and NetGalley for this ARC. Opinion is mine alone.
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LibraryThing member brenzi
I listened to this memoir this afternoon. I couldn't stop listening, it's that good. I started it on my morning walk and got home and just kept listening until it was done. (I'm retired. I can do whatever the hell I want lol.) Coincidentally, the Kindle copy came in from the library at the same
Her husband is diagnosed with Alzheimer's and the options are few but before he is too far along into his illness he wants to have a say in how he goes forward. This is of special interest to me because 1) I'm old and 2) both of my parents died of complications from Alzheimer's. Is there a good way to get through this horrible diagnosis? Bloom and her husband have specific ideas and as the story propels them forward, I sobbed my way along with them, through this gut wrenching yet, somehow, hopeful memoir.
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time so I listened and read a part of it. The topic is of tremendous interest to me and this being my fourth Bloom book, I immediately remembered how absolutely gorgeous her prose can be. Her husband is diagnosed with Alzheimer's and the options are few but before he is too far along into his illness he wants to have a say in how he goes forward. This is of special interest to me because 1) I'm old and 2) both of my parents died of complications from Alzheimer's. Is there a good way to get through this horrible diagnosis? Bloom and her husband have specific ideas and as the story propels them forward, I sobbed my way along with them, through this gut wrenching yet, somehow, hopeful memoir.
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LibraryThing member arubabookwoman
In 2019, writer Amy Bloom's husband Brian was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. With hindsight, it was obvious that he had been dealing with Alzheimer's for several years prior to the diagnosis. Within a few days after being diagnosed, Brian decided he did not want "the long goodbye" of Alzheimer's and
Amy found a Swiss organization, Dignitas, which helps people in such circumstances through an "accompanied" suicide. There is a lengthy and in-depth screening process, and many opportunities to change your mind and withdraw during the process.
This book details Amy and Brian's journey to Brian's ultimate death in the Zurich apartment of Dignitas. It also gives flashbacks to their life together prior to Alzheimer's, and then how Alzheimer's began to affect them. It was poignant and touching to read, but it was not emotionally manipulative. My one criticism would be that it was not particularly in-depth either in its discussion as to how and why Brian came to this decision, nor as to any of the medical aspects of Alzheimer's. Instead, it was more of a relationship story.
3 stars
First line: "This trip to Zurich is a new, not quite normal version of something Brian and I love: traveling."
Last line: "I whisper to him, Everyday of my life, and he whispers to me, Everyday of my life."
***Coincidentally shortly after I read this my husband was watching the movie Still Alice starring Julianne Moore, also about Alzheimer's. I was struck by the scene in which she wrote herself a note on her computer about where to find some pills to commit suicide with once she could not longer function. Her later self, now not able to function well, finds the note, finds the pills, but is interrupted before she can take them. It was such a poignant scene.
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began to plan to end his life on his terms. In the US, there are 9 "right to die" states which permit assisted suicide. However, in none of these states would the right to die be available for an Alzheimer's patient: The prerequisites require certification that the individual has only a short time to live (usually less than 6 months; Alzheimer's patients usually have years left). In addition, the individual must be certified competent to make the decision to die, and by the time the Alzheimer's patient has only a short time to live, they are no longer competent to make the decision to die.***Amy found a Swiss organization, Dignitas, which helps people in such circumstances through an "accompanied" suicide. There is a lengthy and in-depth screening process, and many opportunities to change your mind and withdraw during the process.
This book details Amy and Brian's journey to Brian's ultimate death in the Zurich apartment of Dignitas. It also gives flashbacks to their life together prior to Alzheimer's, and then how Alzheimer's began to affect them. It was poignant and touching to read, but it was not emotionally manipulative. My one criticism would be that it was not particularly in-depth either in its discussion as to how and why Brian came to this decision, nor as to any of the medical aspects of Alzheimer's. Instead, it was more of a relationship story.
3 stars
First line: "This trip to Zurich is a new, not quite normal version of something Brian and I love: traveling."
Last line: "I whisper to him, Everyday of my life, and he whispers to me, Everyday of my life."
***Coincidentally shortly after I read this my husband was watching the movie Still Alice starring Julianne Moore, also about Alzheimer's. I was struck by the scene in which she wrote herself a note on her computer about where to find some pills to commit suicide with once she could not longer function. Her later self, now not able to function well, finds the note, finds the pills, but is interrupted before she can take them. It was such a poignant scene.
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LibraryThing member akblanchard
After author Amy Bloom's husband Brian Ameche was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's disease, he decided to end his own life while he still had some control of his faculties. With the help of the Swiss right-to-die organization Dignitas, he was able to take a gentle way out of what otherwise
Bloom describes the various threads of her and Brian's life together, and how they changed due to his cognitive impairment. As another reviewer pointed out, I wish Bloom had detailed her husband's thought process behind his fateful decision, but perhaps he didn't discuss it with her.
Bloom's writing style, which includes long paragraphs and extended parenthetical notes, takes some getting used to. Still, this is a loving tribute to a man who was gone too soon. No matter where you stand in the assisted-suicide debate, this book is worth reading.
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would have been a long, slow decline.Bloom describes the various threads of her and Brian's life together, and how they changed due to his cognitive impairment. As another reviewer pointed out, I wish Bloom had detailed her husband's thought process behind his fateful decision, but perhaps he didn't discuss it with her.
Bloom's writing style, which includes long paragraphs and extended parenthetical notes, takes some getting used to. Still, this is a loving tribute to a man who was gone too soon. No matter where you stand in the assisted-suicide debate, this book is worth reading.
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LibraryThing member yukon92
Heartbreaking, honest and also still informative. Those are the words that came to my mind while reading the true story of Amy Bloom and her husband Brian. The strength it took to go through with Brian's decision to end his life on his own terms (and not let Alzheimer's decide for him!) was
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eyeopening. I also learnt a lot about the process of getting through the paperwork, etc. needed to get the final, legal approval (at least in CH) to decide that "enough is enough!" Show Less
LibraryThing member bookwyrmm
Not a cheerful read, but very emotional and honest.
Awards
BookTube Prize (Octofinalist — Nonfiction — 2023)
Writers' Prize (Shortlist — 2023)
NPR: Books We Love (2022)
Boston Globe Best Book (Nonfiction — 2022)
Chicago Public Library Best of the Best: Adults (Selection — 2022)
BBC 50 Best Books of 2022 (2022)
Language
Original language
English