Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings by Letting Yourself Have Them

by Tina Gilbertson

Paperback, 2014

Status

Available

Collection

Psychology

Genres

Mind and Body

General Nonfiction

Religion & Spirituality

Nonfiction

Publication

Piatkus (2014), 288 pages

Description

CONSTRUCTIVE WALLOWING is the first book to cut right to the chase, teaching readers how to accept and feel their feelings with self-compassion for greater emotional health and wellbeing.. while making them laugh from time to time. It's tempting to turn away from menacing, uncomfortable feelings like anger, grief, or regret; but ignoring them makes them fester and linger. By learning to accept and embrace rather than suppress difficult feelings, readers keep their sense of personal power and gain greater understanding and ultimately esteem for themselves. Feeling bad can actually lead to feeling better, faster! This practical book, full of practical insight, humour and compassion will enable readers to get in touch with their whole self, and live fuller, happier lives. Contents include how to: Escape from the trap of self-criticism by taking your own side Use the T-R-U-T-H Technique to get out from under bad feelings, fast Neutralize old emotions that zap your energy and undermine your happiness Allow painful feelings to let go of you, instead of the other way around Break long-standing relationship patterns by healing old wounds Build a healthier, more loving relationship with the most important person in your life - you!… (more)

User reviews

LibraryThing member psychomamma

I got this copy from Library Things Early Reviewer program. It's pretty much a solid 5 for me in terms of brilliancy, but I have a few minor complaints.

I am a licensed therapist and I use a method called ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This book fits nicely with my way of thinking. Which is

to say, accept all of your feelings and feel them fully - then behave according to your values and not necessarily your feelings. This seems simple but it's pretty much NOT very simple! We have all kinds of ways of critiquing, judging and minimizing our feelings. Ms. Gilbertson brings tons of new metaphors, stories and techniques to the table that really help in this endeavor. I've already passed along the book to a client and I plan to buy 20 copies and give them to everyone I meet! Good stuff.

A couple of minor complaints: Ms. Gilbertson does not allow for any exceptions. If you fully feel your feelings without criticism, you WILL feel better. She even says that antidepressants blunt feelings (and I assume, are therefore no good and should never be used..? That was my impression). While I DO believe that feeling your feelings fully & without judgement USUALLY leads to feeling better, I resist having that be the goal. In ACT, you feel your feelings fully and without judgement because you commit to being fully human. Feeling better is often a happy result. But there IS such a real thing as chemically imbalanced individuals, there can be lots more going on. And I've seen antidepressants save lives at times. I agree it's over prescribed, but to use her own logic, let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater.

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LibraryThing member Jillian_Kay

I got this book from Library Thing Early Reviewers.

This was a good book dealing with the need to embrace all of our emotions, including allowing time to wallow. Nobody wants to be a complainer, but the author suggests that by ignoring our less than happy feelings leaves us stuck. The author

recommends wallowing as a way to put negative feelings in the past. This was an easy to read book with some handy wallowing worksheets in the back.

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LibraryThing member ansate

The essential argument is that allowing yourself to really feel your feelings and not deny them is healthy and will eventually make you happier. It presents several tools for talking yourself into doing so, many of which I found useful.

Unfortunately, it has the conceit of acting like this is the

ONE ANSWER you need to solve all your problems. I found the attitude pretty grating.

I'm happy to have it as an addition to my toolbox though.

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LibraryThing member lucy_snowe

I started off this books with high hopes, but I have to say I was disappointed. Although I agree 100% with her philosophy that you should accept and process your feelings rather then stuffing them in the closet, the way she presented the material came off as "gimmicky." It's clear that she used to

be in the entertainment business, and I wasn't entirely confident that she fully made the transition into mental health care. This book would have been better if she had taken a more professional approach rather than relying on cute phrases and plays on words to get her point across. It made her appear desperate to appear clever, and subsequently a much less reliable source of information.

I do like the worksheets, though, as well as all the quotes she chose. They definitely gave me some food for thought in dealing with my clients who suffer from anxiety.

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LibraryThing member HippieLunatic

While this book has some helpful ways to get past the desire to shut all of your emotions up in a locked box, I felt as though Gilbertson ignored the concept that sometimes emotions come back to haunt us no matter how often and freely they might be felt... perhaps her take on this would be that I

have not fully felt my emotions having to do with a divorce and lost time with my children. Yes, I will work to do some of the activities listed, including learning to release physical tension and writing notes of forgiveness to myself for those things I am ready and willing to forgive. Perhaps it will help, but I will be honest in that I don't see it being the end-all be-all solution she claims it is.

In the week of reading this book, I have allowed myself to accept and (w)allow in my feelings more than once, and yes, the tears did stop more quickly than I am used to, but it has not decreased the frequency of the emotional attacks. All in all, I think there are good take-aways within this book, but primarily for people not battling chemical imbalances or longer-term depression.

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LibraryThing member KamGeb

I felt like this book was basically just saying notice all the feelings you have, especially the painful ones. It is a good point, but not enough substance for a whole book.

Also the author puts jokes in the book that seemed to detract from the flow of the book. For example on page 4 there is a

place where you are suppose to stop reading and take a test. The author writes " I'll wait while you get a pencil. (Take your time; I've got a magazine and a snack.)"

Finally, on page 92 the author wrote something that really bothered me about antidepressants. It wasn't a main idea of the book, but she wrote " Also, because of how feelings work, it's just not possible to suppress the unpleasant ones without suppressing all of them. Anyone who takes an anti-depressant that works will tell you it's also an anti-thrillant." This seems like she is anti medication and doesn't really understand who antidepressants work.

I was not impressed by this book.

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LibraryThing member sandih7

Received this book from the Early Reviewer group. I found the concept of accepting bad feelings interesting. I agree with what she writes in that we are "trained" to "try to look on the bright side" and that we shouldn't be feeling "bad" when other people have it worse. She pretty much described my

belief about not "wallowing" because we're not supposed to be doing that. I am planning to explore this "bad" side of myself by following her T-R-U-T-H technique on some issues I am currently going through. It made me realize that I need to love myself completely both good and what I think of as the "bad" side.

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LibraryThing member Lakenvelder

Should you just let it all out. Many of us are taught at a young age to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and move on. Feelings were not something we would show, at least not on purpose. This book suggests that self-awareness and self-acceptance are the essence of healing. I agree with the author

that it is time for us to allow ourselves for have feelings without feeling guilty. This book will work for quite a few people if they want to work through their hurt past and other emotional problems.

The only problem I have with the book is her statement that drugs just depress your feelings and suggests not using antidepressants. . There is a time and a place for using drugs. I feel they are being overused and should be used for a limited amount of time until you can start getting your emotional heath stable.

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LibraryThing member cissa

My MIdwestern self learned early to keep a stiff upper lip. I suppose it has its advantages, but it did mean that negative feelings and reactions were suppressed- to the point that I cracked a number of teeth by clenching my teeth so often and hard.

This seems like a better way. It encourages you to

really feel your feelings, rather than suppressing them- and I've only been trying to do the exercises a short time, but in that time, I have become more relaxed and happier. Felt and acknowledged, the feelings pass; sat upon- they stick around, to nobody's advantage.

I got this book through LibraryThing's Early Reviewer's program, and read it through quickly at first- but it made so much sense that I decided to work through it more carefully, and actually DO the exercises. That was a good choice on my part, because while the theory is good, the practice makes a lot of difference.

I know there are other self-help books around with a similar message. What really makes a difference for me with this one is the use of "wallowing" in the title- it got me over my stiff-upper-lip stubbornness.

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LibraryThing member Virasana123

I received "Constructive Wallowing" by Tina Gilbertson from the LibraryThings's free book giveaway.

I must say that the title was what most intrigued me to read this book, and I was enthusiastic about learning how to explore and deal with my feelings better. This book challenges the common mindset

of "keeping a stiff upper lip" and "pulling yourself up by the boot straps" when we deal with difficult and hurtful situations. The idea of identifying and confronting emotions is a very scary endeavor, but many things that are worthwhile are not easy to perform.

I like how the author provides exercises to characterize feelings and details an entire action plan on how to deal with uncomfortable situations and feelings. The real life stories that are described really show how important it is to address emotions as they arise. Some of the descriptions are heartfelt and shocking, but demonstrate everyone needs to "open a window" to how they are feeling. We always hear people say that if we don't address issues, they only grow and become worse. Well, emotions follow the same formula, but many people are not taught to focus on feelings. We are often educated to just be strong and ignore them. However, facing up to our emotions actually takes a great deal of courage and fortitude.

I am glad that an entire section is devoted on choosing a therapist because many of us may need professional wisdom to deal with past and present feelings. In addition, although she describes antidepressants as not allowing us to feel, I believe that if someone truly needs them, they can still utilize her approach as part of a total mental health program. I think that if one is depressed, they may not be able to fully engage in constructive wallowing, so a little help from medication may be in order.

As a whole, I think the book was a good read. The structure and lay out was welled planned and easy to follow. I recommend this book to anyone struggling with difficult emotions and situations.

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LibraryThing member kaylaraeintheway

The title is what drew me to this book. As a person who wallows on occasion, I thought it would be beneficial to read about how to channel that emotion into something more productive or helpful. While I am glad that Gilbertson takes the stance of letting yourself feel the emotions, I found myself

only reading a page or two, then putting the book down for weeks at a time before coming back to it. I will take away the basics of this book, but it is not something I will keep on my shelf and constantly reference.

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LibraryThing member madepercy

This book is written in large print with large line-spacing and uses graphics to fill the pages. The result is a large book that would otherwise be rather small. It is more of a manual with tests and activities. I learnt a good deal from this book about having one's emotions, and it supplements

Stoic philosophy neatly in that it provides a way to "have" one's emotions without necessarily acting on them. For the Stoics, we have our emotions but it is our behaviour that is good or bad, rather than the external event. I have found Stoic philosophy useful in that through daily practice and reflection, one can learn to accept what one can and cannot control, and be "indifferent" to external events. But to be Stoic is different from being stoic, yet there is little to address the emotions that one inevitably "has", other than to choose how one reacts to one's emotions. Gilbertson's approach is like a Stoicism for the emotions. Through daily practice, one can learn to experience one's emotions through (w)allowing. An interesting approach to understanding emotions is to exchange the words think and feel in a sentence. If the words are not interchangeable, then it is a feeling. For example, "I feel angry" does not work as "I think angry". Whereas "I think I have been treated unjustly" and "I feel I have been treated unjustly" are interchangeable, hence the former is an emotion but the latter is not. Recognising and giving names to one's emotions is one approach to let emotions happen (as opposed to acting on them). Keeping a three-times daily journal to record how one feels over a two-week period is an interesting way to recognise emotional patterns and to practice recognising, naming, and experiencing one's emotions. I must admit that most of the book made me cringe a little, and I found myself unable to read it in public - the thought of someone seeing me reading this book probably explains why I scored a 14 on the test, and therefore I probably need to (w)allow in private! Like Stoic journalling, I can see the point in (w)allowing, and the drip, drip, drip of experience and reflection working to improve oneself. The final straw was on reflecting on how I feel/think, I stumbled upon "I feel guilty/I think guilty" - here I am naming my emotion. But no, there is a section devoted to guilty - being guilty is a fact, not an emotion. Obviously I have much to learn and while I still cringe at this book, I will be adding some of Gilbertson's activities to my daily journalling ritual, which at present includes James Allen (referred to by Gilbertson), La Rochefoucauld, and The Daily Stoic, and I will see what happens. I found Gilbertson's work via my subscription to Psychology Today, and I have since read many of her articles which are available online.

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