Status
Available
Call number
Collection
Publication
Simon & Schuster (2015), Edition: 1, 416 pages
Description
Health & Fitness. Sociology. Women's Studies. Nonfiction. HTML:An essential exploration of why and how women's sexuality worksâ??based on groundbreaking research and brain scienceâ??that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy. Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a "pink pill" for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never be the answerâ??but as a result of the research that's gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women's sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and Come as You Are explains it all. The first lesson in this essential, transformative book by Dr. Emily Nagoski is that every woman has her own unique sexuality, like a fingerprint, and that women vary more than men in our anatomy, our sexual response mechanisms, and the way our bodies respond to the sexual world. So we never need to judge ourselves based on others' experiences. Because women vary, and that's normal. Second lesson: sex happens in a context. And all the complications of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman's arousal, desire, and orgasm. Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman's sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible. And Emily Nagoski can… (more)
User reviews
LibraryThing member lycomayflower
Accessible and informative discussion of female sexuality, what the science says about how it works, how it differs from male sexuality, how the brain and the emotions are involved, and what to do if things aren't working as you might like. Fascinating, fascinating science here, and absolutely
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worth a read whether or not you think your sex life needs transforming (I think some of the cover copy sells the book short, actually; it reads a bit like this is a self-help book, and while it has those aspects, it's also great lay science about sexuality and the way emotions function in human beings). Some of the presentation is a little touchy-feely for me, but the book is highly readable, and the sex-positive, body-positive, woman-positive message is awesome. Recommended. See if you can find an interview online with Nagoski for a taste of what the book's like. She's great in person, and catching a snippet of one was what lead me to pick up the book. Show Less
LibraryThing member csoki637
-not much new info here for anyone who read Emily Nagoski's (old) blog in early 2010s
-interesting research on the social construction of desire (e.g., the rat into lemons)
-the tl;dr: you are normal
-after a brief disclaimer, she uses "woman" to mean female—what a relief; there's no
-I feel Emily Nagoski has lots of good intentions, and I really appreciate her stance against pathologizing women, but it's hard to get on board with someone who ultimately sees (hetero)sexuality as such a positive, life-changing force (and men can "help" their female partners by occasionally doing the dishes, 'cause, you know, that's the woman's job)
-interesting research on the social construction of desire (e.g., the rat into lemons)
-the tl;dr: you are normal
-after a brief disclaimer, she uses "woman" to mean female—what a relief; there's no
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"uterus-bearers" or "menstruators" discourse here-I feel Emily Nagoski has lots of good intentions, and I really appreciate her stance against pathologizing women, but it's hard to get on board with someone who ultimately sees (hetero)sexuality as such a positive, life-changing force (and men can "help" their female partners by occasionally doing the dishes, 'cause, you know, that's the woman's job)
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LibraryThing member Gwendydd
This should be required reading for every woman, whether she is happy with her sexual well-being or not, whether she is in a sexual relationship or not. It is full of really fascinating information about how female bodies work. It is also full of good information about mental health in general.
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Nagoski makes it clear that most of what society has told us about sex and how our bodies work is wrong, and she does an amazing job of convincing readers that they are healthy and amazing. Show Less
LibraryThing member wyvernfriend
This was an excellent read, full of interesting advice on how to deal with sex and sexuality issues and should be encouraged reading for all teens and most adults as part of a pre-marriage course. Her mantra was that everyone is an individual and that your mileage may vary. Important things to
I found it very good food for thought.
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realise when the world presents everybody as one type.I found it very good food for thought.
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LibraryThing member Pepperwings
This *almost* gets 4 stars, but not quite, I knew most of the information in here, and I felt like she talked down to the reader somewhat. However, this is really excellent in many ways, and if you *don't* know these things, this would be an easy read to get you there. So I would recommend it.
LibraryThing member bexaplex
This book is fantastic, and way out in front of its peer group (Bonk, I Love Female Orgasm, etc.). Nagoski is an astute observer, a compelling storyteller and a brilliant, curious thinker about female sexuality. I wish this book had been published 10 years ago :)
LibraryThing member johnverdon
This is a wonderful book - that I wish had been around when I was a young man. This is a science grounded and practical account of female sexuality that all men should inform all men as well.
If I had read this as a younger man - my relationships and my masculinity would have all been enriched.
If I had read this as a younger man - my relationships and my masculinity would have all been enriched.
LibraryThing member swampygirl
A very excellent book. I thought I knew just about everything that popular culture got wrong about sex, it turns out my knowledge was pretty much limited to the facts. Emaily Nagoski's book was not only super easy to read, it also helped me to figure out what was holding back my own sex drive and
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how to better think about sexuality in general. Show Less
LibraryThing member willszal
This book is written primarily for cisgender women. As a cisgender heterosexual male, I found it insightful.
Normal
The first thing I was struck by in the book was Nagoski’s extensive and creative use of the term “normal,” and the gender-stereotypical insecurity its usage implies. “Normal”
Mechanistic Analogies
The second thing I’m struck by in the book is the author’s use of mechanical analogies. Women are living organisms with a high degree of complexity. Often in the book I feel as though Nagoski oversimplifies women, turning them into machines. An example: her most frequently used analogy is that of accelerator and brake. When you think of these two terms, what image comes to mind? For me, it is a car. Regardless of the utility of this analogy, there are some significant hazards of thinking of a woman as a car, not least of which is that it then has a driver that is necessarily not the car. The one analogy in the book that I enjoy is that of a woman’s sexuality as a garden. Nagoski looks at different biomes and explores diversity through this analogy. Like women, gardens are living systems.
Understanding Women Through Men
The third striking aspect of the book is that Nagoski begins with indictment of the way that female sexual education is taught through a male lens—and then goes to explain everything by the analogies to male anatomy and response. In other words, the presentation of this books appears to reinforce (rather than counteract) this narrative. That said, I did learn some fascinating things. For example, that there are “homologues” for every aspect of male and female genitalia.
Female Orgasm as Non-Evolutionary
The fourth surprising aspect of this book is that Nagoski states that the female orgasm is evolutionarily unnecessary (as opposed to the male orgasm, which is associated with sperm). She notes that her students don’t like this story—and I can understand why!
Science and Values
The fifth oddity is that the book ultimately aims to change the way that women feel about their sexuality, but attempts to do so through science. There is incongruity to this approach; good science is unbiased. On the other hand—values, by their nature, are biased. So the reader is left wondering—what happens if the science veers off in another direction, and if, in a generation, we’ll realize that women should feel poorly about their sexuality? By fastidiously citing the science, Nagoski undermines her aim of reassuring women of their own worth and own experience. Both sexual science and sexual values are important, but to try to further one with the other denigrates both.
Context
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this book, it is about the importance of female context. Eighty-five percent of women have responsive desire, meaning that becoming turned on is a phenomenon emergent from their context (psychological environment, physical environment, relational environment, etc.). There is an aspect of hazard that Nagoski overlooks in her exploration of this topic (possibly because the book was written before the #MeToo era). Responsive desire is a contributing factor to why we have stereotypes surrounding that men initiate sexual advances, and also a contributing factor to the ways in which men persist even after receiving no for an answer.
In conclusion, there were a number of aspects of this book that I found distracting, but ultimately it was an interesting read and I did learn more about female sexuality.
Normal
The first thing I was struck by in the book was Nagoski’s extensive and creative use of the term “normal,” and the gender-stereotypical insecurity its usage implies. “Normal”
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is generally used in a statistical sense. Here it is used to be psychologically comforting and statistically meaningless, as Nagoski relentlessly insists that everyone is “normal.” If we set aside this unusual use of the word, we’re still confronted with a question: why would someone want to be normal? Personally, I would much rather be exceptional, noteworthy, interesting, or even unusual. Only if I’m trying to disappear do I aim for normality. All of this points towards a conclusion: that most women feel “abnormal” in regard to their sexual selves, and with a negative connotation. This is unfortunate news.Mechanistic Analogies
The second thing I’m struck by in the book is the author’s use of mechanical analogies. Women are living organisms with a high degree of complexity. Often in the book I feel as though Nagoski oversimplifies women, turning them into machines. An example: her most frequently used analogy is that of accelerator and brake. When you think of these two terms, what image comes to mind? For me, it is a car. Regardless of the utility of this analogy, there are some significant hazards of thinking of a woman as a car, not least of which is that it then has a driver that is necessarily not the car. The one analogy in the book that I enjoy is that of a woman’s sexuality as a garden. Nagoski looks at different biomes and explores diversity through this analogy. Like women, gardens are living systems.
Understanding Women Through Men
The third striking aspect of the book is that Nagoski begins with indictment of the way that female sexual education is taught through a male lens—and then goes to explain everything by the analogies to male anatomy and response. In other words, the presentation of this books appears to reinforce (rather than counteract) this narrative. That said, I did learn some fascinating things. For example, that there are “homologues” for every aspect of male and female genitalia.
Female Orgasm as Non-Evolutionary
The fourth surprising aspect of this book is that Nagoski states that the female orgasm is evolutionarily unnecessary (as opposed to the male orgasm, which is associated with sperm). She notes that her students don’t like this story—and I can understand why!
Science and Values
The fifth oddity is that the book ultimately aims to change the way that women feel about their sexuality, but attempts to do so through science. There is incongruity to this approach; good science is unbiased. On the other hand—values, by their nature, are biased. So the reader is left wondering—what happens if the science veers off in another direction, and if, in a generation, we’ll realize that women should feel poorly about their sexuality? By fastidiously citing the science, Nagoski undermines her aim of reassuring women of their own worth and own experience. Both sexual science and sexual values are important, but to try to further one with the other denigrates both.
Context
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this book, it is about the importance of female context. Eighty-five percent of women have responsive desire, meaning that becoming turned on is a phenomenon emergent from their context (psychological environment, physical environment, relational environment, etc.). There is an aspect of hazard that Nagoski overlooks in her exploration of this topic (possibly because the book was written before the #MeToo era). Responsive desire is a contributing factor to why we have stereotypes surrounding that men initiate sexual advances, and also a contributing factor to the ways in which men persist even after receiving no for an answer.
In conclusion, there were a number of aspects of this book that I found distracting, but ultimately it was an interesting read and I did learn more about female sexuality.
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LibraryThing member MillieHennessy
This is a bit more of a personal review for me, so skip this if you're not interested - I picked up this book after my therapist recommended it. Sexuality and understanding my body are something I've recently come to realize I've always struggled with. This book is full of science and has really
If you're struggling to understand your sex drive, whether it be high or low, I think you'll find this book useful. In fact, you'll learn that sex isn't even a drive! I'm not one of those people to ever feel like a book is life-changing, but this one comes pretty close. I don't read much in the way of self-help, but this book was so helpful that it makes me wonder what else is out there. Nagoski explains the science she's studied in a very relatable way. I would especially recommend this if you've ever felt "broken" when it comes to desire, drive, etc. It was incredibly important to me to be able to understand not only the way I feel, but that the way I feel isn't broken or wrong. It's normal and understandable.
I'm not yet sure how I'll apply all I've learned, but I'm so glad I read this book.
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given me understanding about the way I work and helped me see some of the reasons as to why I feel the way I do currently. It's a lot to take in and a book I'd recommend that you be prepared to highlight and annotate (yes, really!) - my own copy is tabbed and highlighted so that I can revisit some especially pertinent sections and better absorb them. Each section has some activities you can complete right in the book as well. If you're struggling to understand your sex drive, whether it be high or low, I think you'll find this book useful. In fact, you'll learn that sex isn't even a drive! I'm not one of those people to ever feel like a book is life-changing, but this one comes pretty close. I don't read much in the way of self-help, but this book was so helpful that it makes me wonder what else is out there. Nagoski explains the science she's studied in a very relatable way. I would especially recommend this if you've ever felt "broken" when it comes to desire, drive, etc. It was incredibly important to me to be able to understand not only the way I feel, but that the way I feel isn't broken or wrong. It's normal and understandable.
I'm not yet sure how I'll apply all I've learned, but I'm so glad I read this book.
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LibraryThing member antao
Ficticious story...
A young woman boards an airplane and sits in a row with a woman about 10 years her senior. As the plane takes off, the older women sneezes about 8 times in rapid succession. After a 5 minute interval, this happens again, and then again. The young woman asks the older woman if she
NB: And women who say size doesn't matter are so shallow.....
A young woman boards an airplane and sits in a row with a woman about 10 years her senior. As the plane takes off, the older women sneezes about 8 times in rapid succession. After a 5 minute interval, this happens again, and then again. The young woman asks the older woman if she
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is ok. The older woman states she is fine, she has a medical condition where every time she sneezes she has an orgasm. The younger woman, startled, blurted out, oh what are you taking for it??? The older woman replied "pepper". Back in the day I measured my penis: 22cm long and 18cm girth (as measured by one of my fuck buddies back then, and every other before her......girls are into size, as a general rule, in my experience). Contrary to popular opinion, a large penis is not necessarily a bonus. Many of my sexual partners over the years before I got married have told their friends.....leading to offers of 'extra-curricular' opportunity which I always responded to with" If Carla doesn't mind, but , have you asked her?.".....they never had. I've almost always been able to control my time of orgasm, be that symptomatic of size, I don't know, and have had unwanted attention because of these factors. Some girls love 'fucking', others, romance, foreplay and 'slow', however, when so 'full' theirs eyes are popping, most girls I've known just want to fuck, and be able to orgasm, and orgasm, and orgasm without concern their partner is going to pop his load inside a minute. I feel sorry for my best mate who has a cock so big, the head doesn't fit into a half pint glass. He was 24 before he met a girl who could accommodate him. They are still together, and her friends don't 'ask' anymore. For me, who cares? Make it work.....adults talk about their sex issues....dickheads pretend, and suffer for the pretense. Would've skipped this book, but I've been a bit hard-up for information on this, so I thought I ought to bone up. Of course, it's given me a few tips; I feel I can depart now without having gotten a swelled head.NB: And women who say size doesn't matter are so shallow.....
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LibraryThing member Krisbee
Very informative and well written in an engaging style that is easily understood. Explains mind and body interactions with in depth instruction on body parts and functions. The chapter on stress is a must read.
LibraryThing member thewestwing
Thought this was really insightful and obviously well researched. While it is marketed at women, it would be great if more men read it as I think societal thinking will only change if men push for it as well.
LibraryThing member mktoronto
A great book that busts the myths of women's sexuality and provides helpful suggestions on how to find pleasure and joy your way
Backed by close to 50 pages of footnotes and references.
Backed by close to 50 pages of footnotes and references.
LibraryThing member megacool24
No secret ingredient, just you
The book is good if a bit underwhelming. It all pretty much boils down to accept yourself as you are, although that in itself is hard and takes a lot of work.
The book is good if a bit underwhelming. It all pretty much boils down to accept yourself as you are, although that in itself is hard and takes a lot of work.
LibraryThing member ShannonRose4
"If you feel broken, or know someone who does... we've all been lied to but its no one's fault.." This is the page heading that this book fell open to when I first opened this Amazing book. This is the book I wish I had had years ago and should be part of Everyones sex education. This book won't
Special P.S. to the author: Thanks & Wow.
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just change your sex life, it will change your whole life forever. Special P.S. to the author: Thanks & Wow.
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LibraryThing member rivkat
The good: the book is inclusive; the author makes clear that she’s writing for cis women but is aware of the variety among women. Everyone is normal, she insists, and tries to convince the reader that no one is broken or unhealthy unless they’re actually experiencing pain. The concepts are
Nagoski structures her advice around the idea of a sexual accelerator and brakes. The accelerator leads to desire for sex and the brakes lead to non-desire or even revulsion. Stepping hard on the accelerator won’t help unless you’ve let up on the brakes. Thus, she suggests that people identify where their perceived problems come from—is it stress and other barriers braking a level of desire, or is it that it’s hard to get started? Relatedly, she argues that having responsive desire is normal: if you only want or enjoy sex after it’s been initiated, and don’t “naturally” desire it yourself, that’s fine.
The meh: the language is colloquial, extremely so. You have to be comfortable with reading about your “feels,” not your feelings.
The not so good: despite the broad, accepting language, the advice all assumes that the reader has previously had satisfying sex with a partner and is trying to get back to that. Thus, the exercises center around figuring out what worked before and what elements need to be restored.
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clearly stated, even repeated a bunch of times, which is probably useful when you’re dealing with painful topics. Nagoski has a slightly different take on recent sexuality research than other popular works; she contends that when studies show that women are “aroused” by images of all sorts of sexual activity regardless of their sexual orientation, even images of bonobos mating, other commentary has mistaken a physical response for arousal. That response, she says, represents awareness of sexual relevance, but true arousal is in the head. She calls this nonconcordant desire, where the body and the mind aren’t quite in sync, at least in the male-oriented model of sexuality that predominates. Simply stated, not getting wet doesn’t mean you’re not aroused, and getting wet doesn’t mean you want sex, just that your body has noticed a sexually relevant situation. Some men and many women experience nonconcordant desire.Nagoski structures her advice around the idea of a sexual accelerator and brakes. The accelerator leads to desire for sex and the brakes lead to non-desire or even revulsion. Stepping hard on the accelerator won’t help unless you’ve let up on the brakes. Thus, she suggests that people identify where their perceived problems come from—is it stress and other barriers braking a level of desire, or is it that it’s hard to get started? Relatedly, she argues that having responsive desire is normal: if you only want or enjoy sex after it’s been initiated, and don’t “naturally” desire it yourself, that’s fine.
The meh: the language is colloquial, extremely so. You have to be comfortable with reading about your “feels,” not your feelings.
The not so good: despite the broad, accepting language, the advice all assumes that the reader has previously had satisfying sex with a partner and is trying to get back to that. Thus, the exercises center around figuring out what worked before and what elements need to be restored.
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LibraryThing member JasonMehmel
Ostensibly a book focused on women, I found this to be an incredibly useful and valuable book. I think it's good for all genders!
So many of the lessons have remained with me and helped me re-examine so many of the assumptions I'd had before reading it. Highly recommended.
So many of the lessons have remained with me and helped me re-examine so many of the assumptions I'd had before reading it. Highly recommended.
Language
Original language
English
Original publication date
2015
Physical description
416 p.; 9 inches
ISBN
1476762090 / 9781476762098
UPC
884815838962