Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

by Emerson Eggerichs

Hardcover, 2004

Status

Available

Call number

248.844

Publication

Thomas Nelson (2004), Edition: 1, 324 pages

Description

Using extensive biblical and scientific research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs reveals the secret to couples meeting each other's deepest needs: without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love and a destructive, vicious cycle begins. Eggerich offers help to husbands and wives, introducing the biblical teaching of unconditional respect, and explaining why it is as powerful as unconditional love.

User reviews

LibraryThing member wbc3
This is not a great book, but the ideas in it are well worth reading for almost every married person. The basic premise is that women need love from their husbands and men need respect from their wives. Eggerichs uses Scripture and his years of counseling and conference experience to back this up. My one complaint with the book is that it really could have been adequately explained in a long (10,000 words or so) magazine article.… (more)
LibraryThing member deusvitae
A fantastic work that goes a long way to describe the conflict in most marriages. The author demonstrates how women primarily seek love and men primarily seek respect from their spouses respectively. When they do not receive such, they act in unloving or disrespectful ways to get it (called the crazy cycle). In order to change this, the author points the reader in various directions to show love to women or to show respect to men (called the energizing cycle). The author also considers what one should do when one's spouse does not reciprocate: do it anyway (rewarded cycle). For Christians, the conclusion is quite powerful: we act in ways that unconditionally love/honor our spouses not as much for them but for Christ.

A few concerns about standard Evangelical theology, but those are not sufficient to hinder the power of this excellent book. Greatly recommended.
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LibraryThing member nesum
One of the best relationship books I've read, and the only one with the courage to tell the full truth -- love is not the whole equation, because while women generally want to be loved above all else, men typically want to be respected.

The statement alone causes shock in this society, that has been taught that we only have to love each other more. We have been taught that women should love their husbands, but nag them and manipulate them to do what they want. I have heard it myself when a man asks for love, a woman will say, "You don't care that I love you?"

The truth has been in the Bible the whole time. Women are instructed to respect and honor their husbands while husbands are to love their wives. Eggerichs painstakingly shows how showing a man more respect can even bring more love into a marriage.

I recommend it highly to all married couples, but more than anything else, build your relationship on Christ and it will succeed.
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LibraryThing member casperchris
This is an awesome book. It's about marriage, but more than that, it's about living with our focus on God and living for Him - which many of us do, or are about to do, in the context of a marriage relationship. The book is excellent theologically but eminently practical in it's outworking of that. It is a few simple ideas about how a wife needs to be loved and a husband needs to be respected and that by unconditionally doing one the other will increase.

Eggerichs' argues that most of us get stuck on the 'crazy cycle'. That's where a wife doesn't unconditionally respect her husband and/or a husband doesn't unconditionally respect his wife. The book then gives tips for husbands on how to love and wives on how to respect. As a man about to be married I really felt the things he outlined for the women about how to respect a man really hit home. This is called the 'energizing cycle'. Finally he finishes the book with the 'reward cycle' where he tells us that because of who God is we must unconditionally love or respect our spouse not because of who they are or what they've done but because of who God is, what he's done and how he tells us to live. This is a great way to finish the book. At the end their are some appendixes to help you live out the things he talks about.

The book is based largely on Ephesians 5 and deals with issues of love, respect and submission and mutual submission very well and in a way that makes good sense. If Ellisa and I can live out the principles in this book as we start our married life, then I'm convinced we will be in for a great marriage centred more fully on Jesus.

Anyone who is married or going to be married should read this book and I will be giving it and recommending it to all my friends and peers and youth who are thinking about or planning to or are married.
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LibraryThing member kimolver
I found this book to be on par with John Gray’s Men are From Mars; Women are from Venus book. Dr. Eggerichs discusses the differences between men and women and how each needs to be more in touch with what the other one needs. When men attempt to treat their wives as they would want to be treated, they inevitably end up doing the “wrong” thing and when women attempt to love their husband as they want to be loved, they also do the “wrong” thing. If you are a Christian, you will be pleased that Dr. Eggerichs bases his book on Biblical scriptures. If you do not consider yourself a religious person, I don’t believe the scripture verses take anything away from the message.

Dr. Eggerichs mainly focuses on the woman’s need for love and the man’s corresponding need for respect. He says that there is a “Crazy Cycle” where when men feel disrespected, they withdraw their love from the relationship and when women feel unloved, they withdraw their respect from the relationship. In relationships where this cycle has been raging, it is difficult to find someone willing to break the cycle because he or she finds it hard to believe that if the husband is more loving toward his wife, she will respond with less criticism and more respect. Similarly, if the wife is more respectful toward her husband, he will respond with more loving behavior.

Dr. Eggerichs calls this the “Energizing Cycle” and he supports it with very specific behaviors each gender must use. He says women need C-O-U-P-L-E, while husbands need C-H-A-I-R-S. Yes, these are acronyms for spelling love to the wife and respect to the husband. All of what he says appears to be in line with what I believe is true of the majority of men and women in relationships.

The final section of his book is more for Christians as he describes the “Rewarded Cycle.” This is where he instructs couples that their reward for loving their wives and respecting their husbands is in heaven and a person really does it to serve God.

As a highly spiritual but non-religious person, I found the book to be very helpful and I think it is a great book for both men and women who are looking for some common sense ideas about improving their relationship.
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LibraryThing member leehopkins
An ultra-conservative view of marriage where the man is the dominant head and the woman must be weak and subservient. My wife laughed after 3 minutes of reading it and dismissed it completely.
LibraryThing member booksandbutter
This book is AMAZING! It changed our marriage and the way we communicate. I recommend this book to anyone who is married.
LibraryThing member moses917
I’ve usually been weary about reading many relationship books but I recently read one that was a delightful page turner and a keeper. If you could read just one book to bless your marriage, this is it Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

I find the ideas in this book are Christian based, and also very practical. I like that the author gives real-life examples from their own marriage, that the reader can relate to and laugh about. It’s definitely a book to get if you’re looking to improve or save your marriage. It will give you fresh insights into the needs & wants of your mate.

In reading about how this book came about I comprehended what makes this book so impacting. It was birthed from the illumination in Scripture! In 1998, Dr. Eggerichs was studying the Bible and he saw the “love and respect” principle in Ephesians 5:33 where it says, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband”. Dr Eggerichs puts it like this “Without love, she (the wife) reacts without respect. Without respects, he (the husband) reacts without love. While we previously were told that love was the answers for all issues (both male and female), the inclusion of respect will help marriages to be solid and Biblically sound. This book is for both sides of the marriage.

The book’s first section deals with what Eggerichs calls, “The Crazy Cycle.” The “crazy cycle” deals primarily with communication. Simply put, men and women communicate differently. And not only do they communicate differently, they decipher and interpret differently. When a spouse makes a statement that they innocently believe conveys their true feelings, the other spouse interprets it incorrectly and then responds to that misinterpretation. Thus, the “crazy cycle” begins. But those are symptoms of the greater issue at hand: men desire to be respected and wives desire to be loved. The messages often undermine and are based these two foundational expressions.

This is where Eggerichs masterfully provides extremely practical insights and advice, and he does so with the use of acronyms. The essential truth is that if you work through the acronym, you end up at a place where your wife will know that you do honor and cherish her! The book closes with some thoughts on the rewards of living the suggestions out. I’m reminded of the importance of taking to heart what matters to God, and marriage matters to God – period.
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LibraryThing member gtdbizmom
"The Love She Most Desires. The respect he desperately needs".

I wish I could give a book six stars because this one absolutely earned it! I found that this one book answered 95% of the questions I had in regards to how to best communicate and honour my husband. Although many marriage books give great tips, ‘Love & Respect’ got to the core of how and why men and women interpret love very very differently.

Here are my four best take-aways from the book:

1. The core of great marital communication through love and respect is Biblically based "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Eph 5:33. When God gives wisdom, you know you can’t go wrong!

2. Dr.Eggerich’s defines the ‘Crazy Cycle’: without love she reacts, without respect he reacts…..repeat, repeat….He gives amazing tips for how to get off the crazy cycle and truly communicate in a way that makes sense to your partner.

3. He explains that men and women hear and see with respective blue and pink glasses and hearing aids. What a woman says from a pink position will be interpreted very differently by her blue husband. The two genders do not process communication the same way and often feelings get hurt. He explains how to understand what your pink or blue spouse needs to hear and the way they need to hear it.

4. The author gives in depth insights into how your spouse is reassured of your love through the clever acronyms of COUPLE and CHAIRS. If you’ve ever wondered what your spouse needs from you in order to have a full "love tank", the answers are right here and they are guaranteed not what you have been taught in any other book.

If you want to create more connection, more friendship, and more understanding in your marriage then this is the book for you.
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LibraryThing member DivineMissW
Wonderful book, I am recommending ti to couples who are having problems!
LibraryThing member bookworm12
This book provides some helpful tips about how to understand your spouse. I appreciated the perspective of “blue hearing aids” and pink hearing aids.” It was a great reminder that we both hear and say things that can be interpreted in a very different way by our spouse. I also liked the reminder that men need respect more than love and women assume that men must earn our respect before we offer it. It’s a cycle and the easiest way to break it is to offer your spouse respect and expect nothing in return. That’s difficult but it is a big step towards harmony in the home.… (more)
LibraryThing member Mark_Oszoli
This book was a gift from the pastor who did my wedding. He just happens to be my close mate too. He asked that my wife and I read it. May not seem manly to some men, but a great book for newly weds and understanding your better half as you start a new journey like marriage. Single people can read it too.
LibraryThing member jessica_reads
Men need to learn how to better show their love and affection for their wives. Women need to show better respect for their husbands and the role they have in the marraige relationship. This is the premise for the book. I was highly excited to get a book that was supposed to teach me more about respect and my husband more about love. And yet, it became mostly a method and perspective of how a woman mostly whines and nags. The descriptions used to illustrate a woman in this book are in some cases highly offensive. And when it says that some instances of the mans behavior is a woman's fault, I said, ok..now repeat that for the man. But it never did. There were no derogatory descriptions of a mans behavior but plenty for women. It seems highly one-sided. The premise is great, the scripture is good, but the execution and delivery is terrible.

I've read tons of reviews on this book before choosing to get it anyway. And for those who've used another's review to question their beliefs and ability to even give an opinion on the book is appalling. I don't believe they are even trying to give the respect that this book taught. This book needed to have less derogatory descriptions of women and more depth on actual causes to these actions by BOTH men and women as opposed to being so fully lopsided. It needs more options of to do's for people to apply rather than scenarios of things gone wrong. It boasted to tell of the love women need and the respect men deserve and it failed to deliver this.
… (more)
LibraryThing member justindtapp
Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs is a book with a simple thesis: the root of marital conflict comes from men and women talking and behaving past each other.

Eggerichs outlines the "crazy cycle," where the husband is (unwittingly) unloving to his wife, whose response is to be (unwittingly) disrespectful to her husband, who is then unloving in response, and the cycle continues. Who starts the cycle is besides the point.

Husbands don't need love, writes Eggerichs, they need respect. Wives need love, to feel cherished. It is, unfortunately, hard for men to love others and hard for women to express respect. Eggerichs links this thought with Ephesians 5:22-33.

My wife and I read this together and I'm glad that we did, it helped us see how we'd been hurting and misunderstanding one another. I'd recommend the book and wish we'd read it years ago; it's practical. Assuming you know what your wife really meant when she said something is a fatal error for many men in marriage. Eggerichs helped me correct some long-standing misgivings.

The book is fairly quick read but could be a whole lot shorter, probably a 10-page essay. Most of it is filled with anecdotes from the couples Eggerichs has counseled or received letters from. The details of the book-- husbands figuring out how to better express love, and wives convincing their husbands that they respect them-- are the hard part for every couple.

I give the book 3.5 stars out of 5, even though I recommend it. My wife had issues with a couple of pages and his line of thought, the book was perhaps harder to read for her than for me. He opens the book with what I'll call the "respect bomb" which seems tough on women (but it seems the response he ultimately gets is positive). But I think there is definitely something to what he's saying.
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LibraryThing member wyohess
Dr. Eggerichs is a PhD level counselor and evangelical pastor who brings both backgrounds to bear on the relationships between men and women in the context of marriage. His primary thesis is that men and women simply talk past each other and don't realize they're doing it. A man's primary need is to fee respected, and a woman's primary need is to feel loved (not excluding the man's need to be loved and the woman's need to be respected). But when the man doesn't feel respected, he unwittingly acts unloving to his wife, and when a woman doesn't feel respected, she unwittingly acts disrespectful towards her husband. Either spouse can start this "crazy cycle," as Eggerichs calls it. Eggerichs then helps men to understand and react to the primary need of their wives to feel loved, and helps women to understand and react to the primary need of their husbands to feel respected, through what he calls the "energizing cycle": His love motivates her respect, her respect motivates his love.

This book was given to me several years ago by a couple who used it in their marriage prep and found it immeasurably helpful, and I've already started using it in the limited counseling that I do. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who works with married couples or anyone whose marriage has become lackluster, who really thought marriage was going to be more than the constant bickering that tears them down each day.
… (more)
LibraryThing member jesssika
Men need to learn how to better show their love and affection for their wives. Women need to show better respect for their husbands and the role they have in the marraige relationship. This is the premise for the book. I was highly excited to get a book that was supposed to teach me more about respect and my husband more about love. And yet, it became mostly a method and perspective of how a woman mostly whines and nags. The descriptions used to illustrate a woman in this book are in some cases highly offensive. And when it says that some instances of the mans behavior is a woman's fault, I said, ok..now repeat that for the man. But it never did. There were no derogatory descriptions of a mans behavior but plenty for women. It seems highly one-sided. The premise is great, the scripture is good, but the execution and delivery is terrible.

I've read tons of reviews on this book before choosing to get it anyway. And for those who've used another's review to question their beliefs and ability to even give an opinion on the book is appalling. I don't believe they are even trying to give the respect that this book taught. This book needed to have less derogatory descriptions of women and more depth on actual causes to these actions by BOTH men and women as opposed to being so fully lopsided. It needs more options of to do's for people to apply rather than scenarios of things gone wrong. It boasted to tell of the love women need and the respect men deserve and it failed to deliver this.
… (more)

Language

Original language

English

Original publication date

2004

Physical description

9.75 inches

ISBN

9781591451877
Page: 0.1556 seconds