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Business. Psychology. Self-Improvement. Nonfiction. HTML:The 10th-anniversary edition of the New York Times business bestseller-now updated with "Answers to Ten Questions People Ask" We attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day-whether dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with a spouse, or negotiating with a client. From the Harvard Negotiation Project, the organization that brought you Getting to Yes, Difficult Conversations provides a step-by-step approach to having those tough conversations with less stress and more success. you'll learn how to: · Decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation · Start a conversation without defensiveness · Listen for the meaning of what is not said · Stay balanced in the face of attacks and accusations · Move from emotion to productive proble… (more)
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Fisher asks the reader
This is not a typical communication/negotiation book, where you receive tactical tips on how to assess the other party's goal, frame the situation, and navigate the conversation to
I really like how it embraces the human side of having a heated discussion and guides self-discovery. It provides a lot of examples (some of them more believable and realistic, some less) that illustrate the theory and make it more accessible via a variety of situations and contexts of difficult conversations. I find many of the presented concepts thought-provoking and useful, I wish I had read it earlier in my life and apply them more often.
It was an extremely slow read for me. The book is pretty dense and there are so many different examples, stories, and reports accompanying each concept that I had to hit a pause and digest because it was too much at once. Multiple breaks helped the content to sink in, which is not necessarily a bad thing but something to keep in mind when approaching "Difficult Conversations".
I suppose by Googling the authors, I could find the "serious" academic work that they've done, but I'm a grown up, I should be able to find that at the back of this book.
And no, this is not just for lawyers or diplomats. It applies to any of those kinds of conversations that you may be dreading with your boss, your parents, your spouse, your children, your friends. It talks about how to have a conversation that doesn't trigger a defensive reaction so you can get at what happened. You own your feelings, without projecting how you feel on the other person and separate results from intentions. "I got angry when..." rather than "You made me angry...." Because as it says in the book: Talking about blame distracts us from exploring what went wrong and how we might correct them going forward. You need to develop a curiosity about the other side of the story and admit to your own contributions to the problem. Reframe and paraphrase back what you're hearing to defuse and better understand.
Sometimes this technique has worked as a charm. And mind you, this isn't manipulation--in the end this is all about being fair--to yourself and others. That's what makes it difficult. Occasionally I've found people it's... shall we say... frustrating to try it on. You try to paraphrase back what you've heard them say, and you get back, "You're twisting my words!" "You're treating me like a lawyer!" (Doesn't help when someone knows that's what you are.) No doubt some of the problem it might be said in such cases is that I'm not skillful enough at my end using these techniques. But, of course, the thing is people aren't going to keep to the script. (And then there's the occasional psychopath.) But yes, these techniques are helpful and often do work at getting to the bottom of things. I've gone back to this book and brushed up on the principles when I know I'm going to have one of those "difficult" conversations.
It is hard to capture all of the insights from this book in a short review. Often, with these types of books, I feel like the core ideas are in the first chapter, and then the authors simply rehash these points. Difficult Conversations does start with an overview, but the subsequent chapters are expansions on these points. The specificity of the advice is also surprising when comparing this to other business books. The authors use lots of specific examples to help readers think through how to implement this advice in their own situations. I'm facilitating a discussion of this book at an upcoming leadership conference, and I'm excited to hear the attendees' reactions to this book.