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Family & Relationships. Nonfiction. HTML:In Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, marital psychologists John and Julie Gottman provide vital tools�??scientifically based and empirically verified�??that you can use to regain affection and romance lost through years of ineffective communication. In 1994, Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues at the University of Washington made a startling announcement: Through scientific observation and mathematical analysis, they could predict�??with more than 90 percent accuracy�??whether a marriage would succeed or fail. The only thing they did not yet know was how to turn a failing marriage into a successful one, so Gottman teamed up with his clinical psychologist wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, to develop intervention methods. Now the Gottmans, together with the Love Lab research facility, have put these ideas into practice. What emerged from the Gottmans' collaboration and decades of research is a body of advice that's based on two surprisingly simple truths: Happily married couples behave like good friends, and they handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways. The authors offer an intimate look at ten couples who have learned to work through potentially destructive problems�??extramarital affairs, workaholism, parenthood adjustments, serious illnesses, lack of intimacy�??and examine what they've done to improve communication and get their marriages back on track. Hundreds of thousands have seen their relationships improve thanks to the Gottmans' work. Whether you want to make a strong relationship more fulfilling or rescue one that's headed for disaster, Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage is essential reading. From the Hardc… (more)
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Ask explatory questions, develop curiousity about other people's experiences and learn to listen. "Can you tell me more about this? Explain what you mean."
Present challenges and differences without criticizing.
Express and accept
Recognize when you're stressed and take steps to relax.
Say what you're feeling and what you want and need, even if it's difficult.
Listen and respond to another's feelings and wants and needs before reassuring and before trying to solve the problem.
Respond to criticism with the honest question: "What do you want?"
Hear the longing in a complaint.
On messing up: "I feel terrible about this. What can I do to make it up to you? I would also like your understanding and support."
Respond to non-responsiveness: I really want you to understand my feelings here.