Status
Available
Call number
Collection
Publication
Beacon Press (2017), 192 pages
Description
In this collaborative memoir, a parent and a transgender son recount wrestling with their differences as Donald Collins undertook medical-treatment options to better align his body with his gender identity. As a parent, Mary Collins didn't agree with her trans son's decision to physically alter his body, although she supported his right to realize himself as a person. Raw and uncensored, each explains her or his emotional mindset at the time- Mary felt she had lost a daughter; Donald activated his "authentic self." Both battled to assert their rights. A powerful memoir and resource, At the Broken Placesoffers a road map for families in transition.
User reviews
LibraryThing member RavenNight
"I hope someone, somewhere, can find it in a library - or put it in theirs - and feel that much less alone."
I received this book through the LibraryThing early reviewers program.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and feel that it is extremely important. It offers much needed perspective, from both
I would definitely recommend this book to other transgender people and to the families of those who have come out as trans. It discusses what transgender people go through in order to understand and accept themselves, and to come out. It also offers up reasons why parents may feel scared at first, and allows for both sides to understand each other better and use this understanding to work together.
As a transgender individual, I found that this book gave me a new perspective on coming out and other issues. It made me feel less alone and was a much needed book for me.
I received this book through the LibraryThing early reviewers program.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and feel that it is extremely important. It offers much needed perspective, from both
Show More
trans people and their families, when coming out. I feel that this book gives a much deeper understanding of transgender life to those who read it. I would definitely recommend this book to other transgender people and to the families of those who have come out as trans. It discusses what transgender people go through in order to understand and accept themselves, and to come out. It also offers up reasons why parents may feel scared at first, and allows for both sides to understand each other better and use this understanding to work together.
As a transgender individual, I found that this book gave me a new perspective on coming out and other issues. It made me feel less alone and was a much needed book for me.
Show Less
LibraryThing member Marlane
This is a well written, candid, and heartfelt memoir written in alternating voices of mother and transgender son that describes the emotional journey as the one time daughter changes name and body in order to live his life as a male.
While the teen can't wait to take hormones, change his name, and
This series of essays show how they were able to reach a middle ground and retain their love and respect for each other throughout the transition. I would recommend this book to other families beginning this journey and believe it has a place on reading lists for transgender studies.
While the teen can't wait to take hormones, change his name, and
Show More
have surgeries to make his appearance match what he believes to be his true self, his mother, understandably, can't keep up. To her, the loss is huge, and she is given no time to grieve for the daughter she is losing bit by bit. Because she hesitates, she feels she is labeled by the LGBTQ community as backward and insensitive to her child's needs. Like many young adults, the son impatient, and cannot grasp the enormous emotional challenge this is for mom. He feels he is on the brink of finally becoming his authentic self and, at first, sees everyone who is not one hundred percent supportive as being against him.This series of essays show how they were able to reach a middle ground and retain their love and respect for each other throughout the transition. I would recommend this book to other families beginning this journey and believe it has a place on reading lists for transgender studies.
Show Less
LibraryThing member herzogm
This is a book that tugged at my heart as a young man and his mother each tell their version of the difficult process of his transition from female to male. As he became more at home in his body, more sure of himself, and happier over all, his mother mourned the loss of her daughter. I'm afraid I
Show More
was less sympathetic to her as she withheld her support in favor of dwelling on her own loss, both of the existence of the daughter and of her maternal influence over her offspring. In the end the passage of time, the writing of the book and the introspection required allowed them to reconcile and to forge a new relationship. Show Less
LibraryThing member KarenRendall
This book discusses a relationship between a mother and her trans son years after the san came out and began his transition process. I have read several other books related to trans people and their experiences, but this was the first book that looked at both the parent's view and the trans
Show More
person's view. I was surprised by many of the statistics and facts about the medical community's relationship with trans people. Overall, this was an enlightening read and I'd recommend it to anyone looking to understand more about the complex relationship issues that having a trans person in your life can create. Show Less
LibraryThing member Susan.Macura
Change for most people is a difficult thing, but the changes discussed in this book are particularly stressful for all involved despite the fact that some of these changes are for the better. In this book Mary is very honest about her mixed feelings surrounding her daughter’s decision to
Show More
transition into a man. This decision was reached in her child’s senior year of high school. While Donald was eager to make this change, for Mary it was a more difficult one. She felt as if she were losing the daughter she raised as a single parent. Her grief was intense. Making this grief even worse was Donald’s refusal to truly understand her grief, even insisting childhood photos had to be put away. For Donald he was eager for everyone to adjust to this new reality. For some this was an easier adjustment, for others it was more difficult. One can understand how horrible it must have been for Donald to be trapped inside the body of someone he was not, and what a relief it must have been to finally have both his body and mind match the same person. However, love did conquer all here. Mary was able to rewrite her timeline of motherhood in her mind so that she had a daughter from birth until 17, then she had a son. Donald learned to be more patient and tolerant of what his mother went through adjusting to his decision. They then went on to write this incredible book. Also included in this book are interviews with other people who traveled a similar path although each is a unique one. The bottom line is that no matter what, we are all more alike than different, and each of us deserves the chance to be happy. Show Less
LibraryThing member SqueakyChu
I read this book because I still feel uncomfortable with the idea of a trans individual, and I wanted to educate myself more about this issue. After reading this book, my hope is that the idea of transgender becomes more mainstream, kind of as being gay is now.
I think it took a great deal of
I also liked the parts of the book that dealt with other families of trans children. Each family must deal with this issue in its own way, but I liked that one of the groups was set up to include parents who also have problems with this issue, although not the physical issues that their children do.
This is a brave book and a great resource for any family undergoing this issue or for someone like me who is trying to learn to be more accepting of individuals in all their similarities and differences.
I think it took a great deal of
Show More
courage for both mom and son (formerly daughter) to write this book. It did exactly what I wanted which was to explain the emotional turmoil of this issue and steps that can be taken to overcome it. I found this book both deeply sad and yet deeply empowering. For me as a mom, I identified with Mary who lost her precious little girl when she transitioned into a he. I can't imagine having to lose my own little girl with her pretty bows and pink, ruffled clothes (which my own daughter tired of as soon as she grew old enough to see me stereotyping her in clothing!). On the other hand, I felt so sorry for Donald who only wanted to be himself and to be treated with dignity for the person that he knew himself to be. I am truly impressed that mom and son were able to work together on this book and hope that doing so brought them closer together (which both say it did).I also liked the parts of the book that dealt with other families of trans children. Each family must deal with this issue in its own way, but I liked that one of the groups was set up to include parents who also have problems with this issue, although not the physical issues that their children do.
This is a brave book and a great resource for any family undergoing this issue or for someone like me who is trying to learn to be more accepting of individuals in all their similarities and differences.
Show Less
LibraryThing member rolyat
I think is was very courageous of Mary and Donald to share their story. After reading this book, I have a much better understanding of what transgender means (physically and mentally). As both authors point out, their story and experiences are not typical or out of the ordinary. Everyone's
Show More
experience is different, some very accepting and loving and others, heart breaking. Whether you want to gain a better understanding or just want an interesting read, this is the book!!! Show Less
LibraryThing member gofergrl84
Even if you don’t personally know anyone who is transgender, this is a great book to educate yourself about issues facing transgender youth and their families. Donald, a trans man, and Mary Collins, his mother, share their experiences through a selection of essays. They explore the very
Show More
complicated emotions that come with transitioning, each offering their own perspective on events that strained their relationship, but eventually brought them back together. They paint a very honest portrait of their experiences. Another point the book makes, is that being trans is different for every person who identifies as trans. In addition to Donald and Mary’s essays are are interviews conducted with individuals who identify as trans, but in different ways than Donald. Both authors offer resources for those transitioning and their family members. The inclusion of a glossary is a great addition and having a few terms presented before each section is very helpful. I also wish those terms had been included in an appendix as a comprehensive list. This book does a lot to encourage honesty and communication, education and advocacy for transgender youth and their families. While I think it could have been longer, this book is a great place to start a conversation. Show Less
LibraryThing member bobbieharv
I am a cis-female and mother of a straight daughter and gay son. I've read and watched quite a few pieces about transgenderism, including the Caitlyn Jenner series. Given all of this understanding, however, I found it very difficult to not judge Mary Collins - not for mourning the loss of her
Many reviewers pointed out how courageous it was of the Collins' to write this book. I guess that's true, but to me the purpose was less to help others understand than to work through their damaged relationship. The same book, written post joint therapy, would have been less an airing of grievances and more helpful.
And so I found Donald's chapters much more sympathetic, though a little academic at times. I would have liked to hear more about how he came to realize "she" was really a "he." I think this would have helped people who are less accepting of the reality of these feelings.
A small point: I found the "Word Bank" boxes superfluous and almost condescending.
Show More
daughter, which I could identify with, but for her refusal to support Donald's surgery. In fact, they did not speak for six months, a time which must have been horrendously difficult for him. Mary is still angry, and defensive, and this pervaded the book.Many reviewers pointed out how courageous it was of the Collins' to write this book. I guess that's true, but to me the purpose was less to help others understand than to work through their damaged relationship. The same book, written post joint therapy, would have been less an airing of grievances and more helpful.
And so I found Donald's chapters much more sympathetic, though a little academic at times. I would have liked to hear more about how he came to realize "she" was really a "he." I think this would have helped people who are less accepting of the reality of these feelings.
A small point: I found the "Word Bank" boxes superfluous and almost condescending.
Show Less
LibraryThing member JanicsEblen
I received the copy of the Mary and Donald Collins’ book "At the Broken Places: A Mother and Trans Son Pick Up the Pieces" through LibraryThing. This is a pre-publication copy of this book. I thank LibraryThing and the Publisher of this book for giving me the opportunity to grow a little as a
To the best of my knowledge I do not know or have ever met a transgender person. I selected this book to broaden my knowledge. I found this to be a well written book and I believe I learned a good deal from reading it. The pain suffered by both the mother and her now son as they journey through this uniques experience is heart rendering to read. My feeling is that I came away with a better understanding of what happens to the person going through the transgender process. I do not have children so I cannot say that I understand her “loss” of a daughter. But in my minds eye I asked myself “what would you feel if it were your husband going through this?” I believe I would experience at least something such as Mary did.
I believe any person who reads this book with even a semi-open mind can come away from the read with more knowledge and understanding. Please consider buying and reading this book.
Show More
human being by reading this book.To the best of my knowledge I do not know or have ever met a transgender person. I selected this book to broaden my knowledge. I found this to be a well written book and I believe I learned a good deal from reading it. The pain suffered by both the mother and her now son as they journey through this uniques experience is heart rendering to read. My feeling is that I came away with a better understanding of what happens to the person going through the transgender process. I do not have children so I cannot say that I understand her “loss” of a daughter. But in my minds eye I asked myself “what would you feel if it were your husband going through this?” I believe I would experience at least something such as Mary did.
I believe any person who reads this book with even a semi-open mind can come away from the read with more knowledge and understanding. Please consider buying and reading this book.
Show Less
LibraryThing member mojomomma
Mary and Donald write frankly about his discovery in high school of being transgender and his transition to becoming a man. Told in alternating journal-like entries, we read of Donald's discovery of himself and Mary's grief at losing her daughter. I had never read about the families of
Show More
gender-transitioning individuals before and Mary experiences a gamut of emotions before reaching some level of acceptance. Donald acknowledges his privilege and the acceptance he experiences at his boarding school and at his LGBTQ-friendly college as he finally becomes himself. This should be required reading for any transgender teen and their parents and extended family. Show Less
LibraryThing member benruth
This is billed as the memoir of a mother and her trans son, though the mother seems to have driven the project. It was an interesting and timely topic, but I wished the story had seemed more personal; the mother seemed to have had difficulty accepting the situation that created a great deal of
Show More
tension in the family, and while such things do happen, it didn't seem as if the tension had been resolved quite enough before this book project came about. It had some good information but also could seem disjointed and unfinished. I liked it, but wanted more. Show Less
LibraryThing member yukon92
I received a free copy of this book from Early Reviewers give-away. The subject matter was very interesting and obviously very relevant today. I liked reading the book in the beginning, but somewhere about halfway through it turned into hard work to keep on going, because it seemed to me that the
Show More
writing became "drier and drier". It was just a continuous repeat of the previous chapters, with maybe a few "new" sentences put in. Show Less
LibraryThing member CarolynSchroeder
I requested this book to learn more about the truths and journeys of my fellow humans facing transitions; and wow, I was not disappointed. I felt surrounded by a new reality, about gender, gender dialog, what it is, what it is not and ultimately, how it does not really matter that much as to the
Show More
soul of a person - we are all human, and we are all beautifully different. I am ever so grateful to both Mary and Donald Collins for enlightening me, regarding both of their struggles. There is no way it could have been easy, for either of them, as both felt (during this read anyway) like deeply private and compassionate people. It really made me see how this information is sorely needed and fear, confusion and unwanted opinions about others abound (for better or worse, for many of us, our sole exposure to trans people is Caitlyn Jenner). It seems the people being the most vocal, know the least. If there is one thing I have learned, and will change my life accordingly: it is not my concern (nor are my opinions wanted, nor do they matter) how anyone chooses to live their gender reality. It is their path, and no two are the same. The most important thing I can do, is just be love; and offer kindness should I see anyone struggling through a transition. The suicide rate/statistics for transgendered folks is staggering. That has to change. We all can be just a little bit kinder and more open to dialog. It is a powerful book that changes your life; and this one has. Highly recommended. Show Less
LibraryThing member GramRaye
Mary and Donald Collins each tell their side of the story of what happens when a person wants/needs to transition gender from female to male. Each has a difficult story to tell of how the decision impacted their lives and how they finally managed to make peace with each other and their family. A
Show More
must read for anyone who has a relationship with a "trans" person, family member or friend. Show Less
LibraryThing member Bidwell-Glaze
A MUST HAVE in any GLBTQ, school, or counselor's library, At the Broken Places is much more than informative. At the Broken Places; subtitled A Mother and Trans Son Pick Up the Pieces; is a true dialog between Mary Collins, a single mother losing her beloved daughter, and Donald Collins almost
Mary and Donald are able to renew their relationship, but only through much pain relived as they collaborated on this book. The resulting book allows emotion to flow through and pain to be expressed.
The ongoing theme throughout the book is the pain of being shut-out or shut-down.
Being trans is misunderstood by many people, including by transsexuals. Transsexuality does not need to be binary, yet it is often assumed to be translated as transitioning from male to female or female to male. Anyone who is not on such a path gets shut out of support groups and medical help. I did not know this, and I assume that most counselors share that knowledge.
Parents are supposed to offer “unconditional love and support” without space to grieve the loss of the girl or boy they have loved for decades. Or if you mention fears for the youth or adult child due to a history of violence against transgender people or fear the side effects of the treatments or medication you are shut down as setting up barriers and/or being homophobic.
The difficulty seems to be a rigid view of sexuality as binary combined with a US cultural imperative to support the individual rather than the community or family. When you view things as a binary, you are stuck in dichotomies. One side must be wrong in order for the other side to be right. Individuals are supported as the myth of rugged individuality still permeates our culture. The neglected family units cause the difficulties for young people attempting to transition to mount out of control. The family, especially protective parents, could shift their focus from having to self-educate with no resources, to crashing through the “gateways” the medical and governmental cultures set in their way. The parents have the experience to do so if they are allowed to express themselves and get true information about the processes. Having a child turn 16 does not stop a mother from caring about her child and the child should be encouraged to let the parent be involved, even if the parent is no longer in control.
I get the feeling that the suicide rate might go down if youths were not encouraged to take control of their lives without support the family could give. But the suicide and violent death rates are horrendous, so any help would be good.
Show More
losing his family as he searches to become who he was meant to be.Mary and Donald are able to renew their relationship, but only through much pain relived as they collaborated on this book. The resulting book allows emotion to flow through and pain to be expressed.
The ongoing theme throughout the book is the pain of being shut-out or shut-down.
Being trans is misunderstood by many people, including by transsexuals. Transsexuality does not need to be binary, yet it is often assumed to be translated as transitioning from male to female or female to male. Anyone who is not on such a path gets shut out of support groups and medical help. I did not know this, and I assume that most counselors share that knowledge.
Parents are supposed to offer “unconditional love and support” without space to grieve the loss of the girl or boy they have loved for decades. Or if you mention fears for the youth or adult child due to a history of violence against transgender people or fear the side effects of the treatments or medication you are shut down as setting up barriers and/or being homophobic.
The difficulty seems to be a rigid view of sexuality as binary combined with a US cultural imperative to support the individual rather than the community or family. When you view things as a binary, you are stuck in dichotomies. One side must be wrong in order for the other side to be right. Individuals are supported as the myth of rugged individuality still permeates our culture. The neglected family units cause the difficulties for young people attempting to transition to mount out of control. The family, especially protective parents, could shift their focus from having to self-educate with no resources, to crashing through the “gateways” the medical and governmental cultures set in their way. The parents have the experience to do so if they are allowed to express themselves and get true information about the processes. Having a child turn 16 does not stop a mother from caring about her child and the child should be encouraged to let the parent be involved, even if the parent is no longer in control.
I get the feeling that the suicide rate might go down if youths were not encouraged to take control of their lives without support the family could give. But the suicide and violent death rates are horrendous, so any help would be good.
Show Less
LibraryThing member SeriousGrace
The concept for At the Broken Places is unique. Mother and son tell a collaborative story of Donald Collins's transition from daughter to son & all of the emotional upheaval they endured together (and apart) along the way. Because of their opposing viewpoints it must have been a very difficult time
As an aside, it was interesting to read between the lines and hear what wasn't being said. Mary indicated names are powerful and matter a great deal when she explained that at sixteen her daughter was "J" and referred to as She. When "J" insisted on being called Donald her daughter was then referred to as He. Her son. The death of a name ushered in the death of a daughter. It is further revealed Mary held some resentment over the name "Donald Oliver" because it single-handedly wiped out memorializing her father ("J's" shared his initials).
At the Broken Places could serve a wide audience: people facing similar situations; people who want to educate themselves; even people in positions of authority charged with changing the status quo.
Show More
for both of them. This definitely make At the Broken Places a more dynamic story.As an aside, it was interesting to read between the lines and hear what wasn't being said. Mary indicated names are powerful and matter a great deal when she explained that at sixteen her daughter was "J" and referred to as She. When "J" insisted on being called Donald her daughter was then referred to as He. Her son. The death of a name ushered in the death of a daughter. It is further revealed Mary held some resentment over the name "Donald Oliver" because it single-handedly wiped out memorializing her father ("J's" shared his initials).
At the Broken Places could serve a wide audience: people facing similar situations; people who want to educate themselves; even people in positions of authority charged with changing the status quo.
Show Less
LibraryThing member jordan.lusink
I really enjoyed Donald's perspective on his transition and how that affected both himself and his mother. I couldn't stand reading Mary's viewpoint. It seemed like a lot of hurt feelings about not being in control of her child, and a lot of focus on her and how nobody was understanding her
Anyway, I soldiered through it, but I had a hard time getting through Mary's experience. (Though I can also appreciate how vulnerable she made herself, knowing that she would get this sort of reaction.)
Show More
struggles enough. I think pointing out that, for some parents, having a transgender child come out and make physical and surgical modifications is kind of a death and rebirth for the child they used to have, and acknowledging that it comes with some grieving is important. But this is one of those times where, actually, it's not about YOU as a parent.Anyway, I soldiered through it, but I had a hard time getting through Mary's experience. (Though I can also appreciate how vulnerable she made herself, knowing that she would get this sort of reaction.)
Show Less
LibraryThing member hjstorm
I dug the transformation of their relationship throughout the book. Would be a great therapeutic or support group read as well.
LibraryThing member mootzymom
What an amazing concept for a mother and son to write the memoir that tells of their journey in life together as Donald transitions from daughter to son. What I found most inspiring was that if you took Mary and Donald's memoirs apart from one another they would tell a profound story but you would
Show More
perhaps arrive at judgements or make assertions that when read interwoven together enlighten you to the experiences of the other person all throughout. This book provides a whole language education of LGBTQ community and transitioning and explanation to this language. A must read for any family seeking support for themselves or their loved one considering transition. Show Less
LibraryThing member LivelyLady
Mother and transgender son tell their story of his change with alternating chapters. It is painful to read but they are beginning to heal their mother child relationship. I would recommend this to a parent or child in this situation. Not fun reading.
LibraryThing member Dabble58
It’s quite difficult to find books discussing the FTM experience. I am fortunate to have a trans son in my family and seek to understand better the challenges and rewards he has experienced during and after transition. This book, with the dual insights of mother and son, was helpful.
One thing
The discussions between the two writers broke my heart a bit. How could she cut him off because he was taking hormones? How could she do that? Why did he not tell his mother what he was doing, and avoid her for months? I grieve for their losses.
Fortunately, Mary and Donald have found their way back to each other. I think this book could be of help to many parents who are living with a transitioning child, and many transitioning people who are angry at their parents for not being gung ho supportive. Mostly, it emphasizes the need to speak to each other, to take time to understand and listen without judgement.
One thing
Show More
that struck me was that, once a person decides to transition to their true selves, no one is allowed to express concern (about hormones, surgeries, etc) without being deemed unsupportive. I fully supported my son’s transition, but I was concerned about the risks of such major surgeries and the lifelong hormone treatments. As Mary Collins says in this book, there was nowhere to discuss these worries, no place to grieve the loss of a daughter (while simultaneously celebrating the newborn son). I still puzzle about what to do with his baby photos. The discussions between the two writers broke my heart a bit. How could she cut him off because he was taking hormones? How could she do that? Why did he not tell his mother what he was doing, and avoid her for months? I grieve for their losses.
Fortunately, Mary and Donald have found their way back to each other. I think this book could be of help to many parents who are living with a transitioning child, and many transitioning people who are angry at their parents for not being gung ho supportive. Mostly, it emphasizes the need to speak to each other, to take time to understand and listen without judgement.
Show Less
Language
Original language
English
Original publication date
2017-04-25
Physical description
192 p.; 5.51 inches
ISBN
0807088358 / 9780807088357