The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

by Gavin De Becker

Paperback, 1999

Status

Available

Call number

3.25 De3 gi 1999

Publication

Dell (1999), 384 pages

Description

True fear is a gift. Unwarranted fear is a curse. Learn how to tell the difference. A date won't take "no" for an answer. The new nanny gives a mother an uneasy feeling. A stranger in a deserted parking lot offers unsolicited help. The threat of violence surrounds us every day. But we can protect ourselves, by learning to trust--and act on--our gut instincts. In this empowering book, Gavin de Becker, the man Oprah Winfrey calls the nation's leading expert on violent behavior, shows you how to spot even subtle signs of danger--before it's too late. Shattering the myth that most violent acts are unpredictable, de Becker, whose clients include top Hollywood stars and government agencies, offers specific ways to protect yourself and those you love, including...how to act when approached by a stranger...when you should fear someone close to you...what to do if you are being stalked...how to uncover the source of anonymous threats or phone calls...the biggest mistake you can make with a threatening person...and more. Learn to spot the danger signals others miss. It might just save your life.… (more)

Media reviews

Inside of book

Packed tight with insight and practical wisdom; a remarkable distillation of de Becker's unique experience. There are ideas in this courageous book that can - and will - save lives.

— 13 more

Inside of book

Vivid and emotionally compelling; shatters common misconceptions about crime and offers priceless wisdom that can save your life.

Inside of book

If you read de Becker's book, you will understand why you must never ignore the tiny flickers of doubt...he lays out his strategies, some of them controversial, for demystifying, defusing and predicting violence.

Inside of book

A modern-day survival manual for everyone in our society, uniquely and firmly founded on Gavin de Becker's extensive experiences, and on his own life. This book contains wisdom that transcends traditional approaches to violence.

Inside of book

Gavin de Becker's brilliant insights and encyclopedic familiarity with the minds of criminals have made powerful contributions to the successful prosecution of many cases, including mine, and now he shares that knowledge with his readers.

Inside of book

"The Gift of Fear" offers the gift of survival. Read it.

Inside of book

Compelling...Should be required reading for women in the nineties AND their loved ones. It offers potentially lifesaving information in a style that is compelling. It is by far the best book I have read on how to handle violence, and I recommend it to one and all.

Inside of book

A tour de force: riveting, instructive, a book that dissects the phenomenon of violence, unravels its mysteries, and shows us how to prevail.

Inside of book

Superb and compelling, bringing into focus the complexity of human response to real or perceived danger. De Becker redefines the parameters of fear and challenges the basis of a fear response. This book is for everyone who has ever feared.

Inside of book

Gavin de Becker's book is the first to explain that our powers of intuition are the best protection we have against violence.

Inside of book

A fascinating look at violence in American life. De Becker's career has given him an unparalleled vantage point, and his book shows how the lessons of that career can apply to all of us.

Inside of book

This book can save your life. Should be read by everyone who wants to triumph over fear.

Newsweek

De Becker has a lot to say about crime and the fear of crime, and he says it persuasively...his blend of empathy, reassurance and common sense wows readers.

Boston Globe

A how-to book that reads like a thriller...provocative...empowering.

User reviews

LibraryThing member jaala

I have mixed feelings on this book.

I'm an ardent feminist and my approach to rape and violence against women is to highlight the societal causes. Rather than admonishing women to protect themselves better, I think it's more constructive to explore how society creates rapists.

I think my biggest

problem with this book is with the buzz surrounding it. It got passed around the women in my family, and I often see reviews declaring that every woman should read this book. Despite the fact that the book isn't entirely focused on advice for women, people take it as such. This exacerbates a rape culture wherein women are tasked with preventing crimes from happening against them.

On the other hand, de Becker's book doesn't actually read like one of those annoying "How not to get raped" email lists. He doesn't suggest restrictions on women's freedom. Indeed, he argues for the exact opposite. He criticizes the baseless fear that women often feel and encourages them to let it go.

While this, I feel, is a good message, I don't think it can be fully presented without an acknowledgement of the rape culture we exist in wherein if a woman doesn't take "proper precautions", she's thereafter blamed for anything that may happen to her. De Becker neglects to address this angle, which plays a large role in complicating matters.

Feminist literature focuses on how the world needs to shift to make things safer. This book - as well as other mainstream sources - focus on how the individual needs to change to be safer within the world. I feel both are necessary to a degree, but I prefer to think in terms of the former.

That all being said, it's a good book for what it purports to do, and there is a lot more in there than just advice for women. It delves into criminal psychology, stalkers, assassins, and child murderers. I have a fascination with these topics, so I found it quite compelling. A couple sections gave me pause, his chapter on domestic violence, in particular.

Still, this guy knows his stuff, and he provides plenty of examples to illustrate his points. It's not a bad book in that regard, and it's surely worth a read if you're interested in the subject matter.

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LibraryThing member jen.e.moore

I really liked a lot of his points - that violence is predictable and preventable, and not doing either is a choice we make - but some of it seemed pretty insensitive to larger concerns. Partly I think it's just dated; it's been more than fifteen years since this book was written, and the way we

talk about rape and battered women has changed a little.

Partly, though, de Becker is simply just concerned with safety on an individual level, and doesn't consider any larger societal or political implications. For instance: in one story he points out a university's failure to examine a package delivered to a student from a gun company, which did contain a gun which the student later used to shoot several classmates. That is absolutely a warning sign of violence - but I'm on the side of the dean who said that the school can't be in the business of opening its students' mail.

He also never brought up one particular failure of intuition which I'm sure lots of people have been thinking about. De Becker puts a lot of weight on intuition, saying that if you're afraid, it's because you've noticed something that's a sign of danger. Well, look, I live in a racist society and my intuition jumps when I see a black guy just out and walking around. Granted I'm a pretty harmless white girl and the worst thing that will happen if I act on my "intuition" is that I'll make some guy's day a little more miserable, but we've all seen recently what happens with people who feel a little more entitled to act out based on their "intuition" of danger.

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LibraryThing member Darla

Trusting your intuition, risk assessment, taking responsibility for yourself. Billed as being about safety, the implications go further than that. Very readable for non-fiction.

LibraryThing member Featherwick

The chapters that related to everyday advice were useful, especially the last chapter, and there were several points where the author articulated something I subconsciously knew but had never consciously considered. Some of the anecdotes and stories were also very interesting, and for the most part

the book felt educational and genuinely useful.

A substantial amount of content, however, focused on celebrities and celebrity lifestyles, and was big on anecdotes and short on actual advice. The author also constantly touted his security company, which after a while started to grate. I'm sure his company does great work, but in a book that's advertised as a way to empower people into taking their security into their own hands, it seems out of place. There's also a risk of confirmation bias in the stories the author tells, and I'm hesitant to take his word as 100% true--especially when certain parts of the book openly contradict each other, like when he pigeonholes certain traits as risk factors for violence while at the same time saying that people should trust their intuition above any arbitrary list of risk factors.

All things considered, this book is a good reference for those interested in personal safety, but I recommend reading it for general advice rather than as a how-to manual for safety.

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LibraryThing member tangentrider

Teaches what real fear is and why we should always trust it.

LibraryThing member bgknighton

This is a must read book for anyone who lives among other people -- especially women. It teaches that fear is truly a gift, something to be used, paid attention to, but not surrendered to. The goal is not to scare you but to make you aware of yourself, your surroundings, your choices, and the

effect these choices have. The goal of this book is to make you to teach you how to survive and maybe even prevent dangerous situations by making the right decisions. I have found the advice in here to be most helpful and empowering. It is one of the most loaned books in my library becouse of its common sense recommendations.

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LibraryThing member arcadianshepherd

A must read book not just for women, but for anybody who doesn't want to be stalked or harassed. I think most women have encountered overly persistent suitors at some point.

While it has great pointers, the weakness of the book is that it is primarily prevention methods. I don't think it'll help

when some violent person is hellbent on hurting you or your family members. Yes, a restraining order is just a piece of paper, but what can you do when the psycho is already so emotionally invested when he ignores warnings from the police to stay away?

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LibraryThing member drteeth

This book was recommended to me by a co-worker, in the knowledge that I like non-fiction books. I didn't really enjoy this book, sorry to say. I sort of lost interest in it only a few chapters in. I just couldn't get into it. I still gave it two stars though, because it is an informative book which

provides useful information, even if it failed to really hold my attention.

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LibraryThing member justablondemoment

Being a victim of a violent crime myself I found this book to be amazingly accurate in how the author defines 'survival signs' and how we KNOW them but often choose to IGNORE them. That was true for me. Easy to read not to technical but yet backed with facts and case studies. Good book everyone

should read.

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LibraryThing member wyvernfriend

An interesting read. The author argues that we try to overanalyse our intuition and we don't see the signals our bodies are trying to give us about dangerous people and situations. An interesting read, well worth a read and some thinking about.

LibraryThing member steffanyac

I recommend this book to anyone! I bought it when I was living alone in a scary part of town and it really helped me through some issues and worries. I loved the writing style, and there are many true stories that keep you very interested.

LibraryThing member CharlesBoyd

This book might be one of the greatest gifts you can give to the loved ones in your life, especially the women.

LibraryThing member AnnB2013

Smart advice on avoiding dangerous people and situations.

LibraryThing member Melanielgarrett

A staggering read. Vital for anyone raising children, or whose work regularly brings them in contact with 'the public '. A lot of this is things we all know instinctively, but it is unbelievably useful to see it all pulled together and analysed by a professional with unquestionable resources at his

disposal. If you have ever been a victim of unwanted attention or a violent attack you will be amazed to see that it did not 'suddenly come out of nowhere'. Nothing is random. But ultimately, we are all much safer than we might think. The ultimate lesson is: Don't give in to fear, harness it.

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LibraryThing member iliadawry

The overall message to listen to your intuition is good, but de Becker's ideas about domestic violence are so wrong-headed as to be dangerous, perpetuating the idea that victims deserve their treatment.

LibraryThing member JenLamoureux

This may well be one of the most important books I have read. The author manages to funnel a lifetime of experience into clear, concise information that can help us begin to listen to fear while worrying less and using our own intuition to stay safe. It's absolutely fascinating if you have any

interest in psychology. It's also written so well that the reading is not tedious or difficult to understand. Anyone can benefit from having read this book.

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LibraryThing member Lucifey

Several friends had recommended this book, and I agree it is a must read. I would say especially for women, but honestly I think it's a great book all around. Worth reading for anyone who has ever thought about their personal safety. It's a fast, easy read, and crystal clear. I loved his chapter

about creating a high school class on saying no and letting go. Brilliant!

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LibraryThing member nnschiller

So much better than I expected, this book surprised me with its critical thinking & clear analysis.

LibraryThing member Salsabrarian

Narrated by Tom Stechschulte. I read this important, informative book years ago and listened to it for review. Narrator Tom strikes a tone that is appropriately stern and cautionary but affirming and positive when it needs to be.

LibraryThing member LaPhenix

Filled with powerful and heartbreaking stories and a lot of sound information.

LibraryThing member SonoranDreamer

I recommend this book to anyone who either lives their life in constant fear or who thinks there is nothing to fear from other people. Our intuition will let us know when something is suspicious and we should trust and act on this instinct.

LibraryThing member setnahkt

I don’t remember exactly why I picked up this one ; my best guess it was on the recommendation list of some other book about human nature and behavior. At any rate, The Gift of Fear is by Gavin de Becker, who runs a private protective service specializing in dealing with stalkers, domestic

violence, and workplace violence. The book is good, but not great; the main problem is the extensive use of anecdotes – repeated accounts of how somebody ignored obvious warning signs that a relation was going badly or that something was not quite right in an encounter or that letters from a celebrity admirer were taking on a disturbing tone. De Becker has a long list of such warning signs – “forced teaming”, where somebody you don’t especially want to deal with keeps referring to “we”; “too many details”, where somebody you encounter keeps providing personal information; “loan sharking”, where somebody performs some apparently generous act only to demand something in return; and so on. The catch, of course, is that anecdotal evidence is evidence, just not very good evidence; the generalization de Becker provides could apply to so many situations that they cease being useful. The flip side is that if de Becker had written a book with tables of probabilities and Monte Carlo event trees (where, for example, you could decide that if I guy buys you an expensive present on the second date what are the chances that things will go badly at the end) nobody would read it. I seem to think this sort of thing is common in the law enforcement world; a lot of expert opinion is just that – opinion rather than data. Not necessarily bad, of course; expert opinion is sometimes the best you can do, especially in areas where data is hard to come by. Still, I’d like to hear of some cases where all the signs were there but things ended well or where no signs were in evidence but things went badly.

There are plenty of cases where things go badly and there is apparently abundant advance evidence; a boy who decapitates a neighbor’s dog ends up as a mass murderer; a boy who molests children in grade school ends up continuing to do it. We all remember reading about the Navy Yard shooting (too recent for this book) where there was all sorts of evidence that the perpetrator was at least a bubble off level. Still, I’d like to see more numbers. Worth reading for the shock value of some of the cases, and the advice about being careful in dangerous situations is well taken. A fairly long bibliography, but mostly consisting of similar “pop psychology” books.

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LibraryThing member catzkc

It has some good tidbits, but I really expected a lot more given what I had heard about this book. I'd recommend giving it a once-over, but get it from the library! Also - I don't recommend the audiobook version. The author should have sprung to have someone else do the reading - just b/c you can

write, doesn't mean you make a good audio reader!

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LibraryThing member markwhiting

Though it started seemingly too focused on the authors accomplishments, by the end of the book he had discussed numerous interesting examples and introduced some valuable frameworks for predicting and mitigating violence in everyday life and society at large. I would recommend this book to almost

everyone though I don't endorse it from a literary perspective.

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LibraryThing member Rose999

I didn't find this book helpful at all, maybe I have already read enough things about violence and abuse and etc that this book just didn't put anything new on the table.

Even then I can't shake the feeling that it was mostly just filler, and the author stroking his ego, and sensationalism, that

last one is pretty ironic having in mind how much he criticizes the news and all.

I don't think his logic is sound neither, he seems to be taking examples that validate his world view and ignoring all others, yeah, all those people had a gut feeling and they ended up being right, but what about all those times you aren't right? Even though he did approach this topic on the last chapters about worrying and anxiety vs real fear the fact is that is very difficult to make that distinction in reality while you are anxious, and he doesn't make any suggestions about how to help it.

I'm not going to analyze this book chapter by chapter but there are other things that didn't sit well with me, like his saying that "if it is in your head now it was in your head then", that's not really reliable, memory alone isn't reliable, people misremember things all the time, and if we are talking about a high-stakes situation (as he calls them) then it's a hundred times worse, you can't trust a witness to remember accurately the clothing of the assailant much less all the signals that may have been a red flag.

I didn't like this book at all.

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