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Roger Ebert awards at least two out of four stars to most of the more than 150 movies he reviews each year. But when the noted film critic does pan a movie, the result is a humorous, scathing critique far more entertaining than the movie itself. I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie is a collection of more than 200 of Ebert's most biting and entertaining reviews of films receiving a mere star or less from the only film critic to win the Pulitzer Prize. Ebert has no patience for these atrocious movies and minces no words in skewering the offenders. Witness: Armageddon * (1998) --The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense, and the human desire to be entertained. No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out. The Beverly Hillbillies* (1993)--Imagine the dumbest half-hour sitcom you've ever seen, spin it out to ninety-three minutes by making it even more thin and shallow, and you have this movie. It's appalling. North no stars (1994)--I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it. Police Academy no stars (1984)--It's so bad, maybe you should pool your money and draw straws and send one of the guys off to rent it so that in the future, whenever you think you're sitting through a bad comedy, he could shake his head, chuckle tolerantly, and explain that you don't know what bad is. Dear God * (1996)--Dear God is the kind of movie where you walk out repeating the title, but not with a smile. The movies reviewed within I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie are motion pictures you'll want to distance yourself from, but Roger Ebert's creative and comical musings on those films make for a book no movie fan should miss.… (more)
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It’s also only showing one facet of his critical armoury – Ebert was that rare critic whose better material was on the films he loved, far better in his passion than he is in contempt; surely a mark of the finest writers. It does mean that this isn’t a particularly exciting read but is a good guide as to how to review films clearly and intelligently. It’s just that his good reviews are an even better guide.
In the preface, Ebert confesses to having been mean and harsh in some instances. Anyway, it's sheer fun:
Armageddon (Directed by Michael Bay;
On Lucio Fulci's "The Beyond":
The plot involves . . . excuse me for a moment, while I laugh uncontrollably at having written the words “the plot involves.” I’m back.
On "Jaws: The Revenge":
There is one other thing I can’t believe about Jaws the Revenge, and that is that on March 30, 1987, Michael Caine passed up his chance to accept his Academy Award in person because of his commitment to this movie. Why? Well, as the marine biologist in the movie explains, if you don’t go right back in the water after something terrible happens to you, you might be too afraid to ever go back in again. Maybe Caine was thinking that if he ever left the set, he could never bring himself to return.
On "Look Who’s Talking Now":
Look Who’s Talking Now (Directed by Tom Ropelewski; starring John Travolta, Kirstie Alley; 1993) Look Who’s Talking Now is a fairly misleading title for those who paid attention during English class, since the talkers are dogs, and so the title of course should be Look What’s Talking Now. Anyone who paid attention during English will also find innumerable other distressing elements in the film, including what teachers used to call “lack of originality and aptness of thought.”
All in all: quite funny, but often a little too angry for my taste (and I'm a fan of anger being used justly).
I miss Roger Ebert a whole lot, mostly because of how smart and interesting and engaging he was, on so many topics but particularly ones of interest to me. That's all on display here.
I'm not a terrible person for loving the scathing reviews. The movies made me do it!
This one seems to lack the vitriol that the sequel had. Probably because Ebert hadn't reached peak cynicism yet. I thought I'd enjoy hearing his witty evisceration of my nostalgic classics, but those were few and far between. It's too bad you can't buy just the reviews of the movies you want to read about.