Status
Available
Call number
Description
Pastor Mark Driscoll and his wife, Grace, talk about sex and marriage in down-to-earth terms, hitting issues other Christian books won't. While a wonderful wedding day is important, it's the last day of marriage that really counts. Will the last day of your marriage come prematurely through divorce? Will it be filled with regrets as you sit at the funeral of your spouse? Or, by God's grace, will the last day be a time to rejoice in the life you lived together? Pastor Mark Driscoll and his wife, Grace, want you to finish well on the last day. They share private and painful issues that damaged their own marriage-including his introduction to pornography in elementary school and her abuse as a teenager at the hands of a boyfriend-and how they overcame them to experience healing and joy with each other again. Together they tackle the tough issues, such as: Should I confess my pre-marital sexual sin to my spouse? Is it okay to have a "work husband/wife"? Can I say no to sex when I really do have a headache? What does the Bible say about masturbation and oral sex? From fun date night tips to the most tricky "can we do that?" sex questions, Mark and Grace share practical help and hope with people just like them-who entered marriage a complete mess-or who are planning to be married someday and want to avoid some sticky pitfalls.… (more)
Similar in this library
The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God by Timothy Keller
Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promises of Money, Sex, and Power, and the Only Hope that Matters by Timothy Keller
Publication
Thomas Nelson Inc (2012), 249 pages
User reviews
LibraryThing member dckenney
Genesis 2:22-24 (CEB) With the rib taken from the human, the LORD God fashioned a woman and brought her to the human being. The human said,“ This one finally is bone from my bones and flesh from my flesh. She will be called a woman because from a man she was taken. ” This is the reason that a
Pastor Mark Driscoll is the founding pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Washington and is one of the world’s most-downloaded and quoted pastors. He was also named one of the “25 Most Influential Pastors of the Past 25 Years” by Preaching magazine, and his sermons are consistently #1 on iTunes each week.
I was given his book, “Real Marriage” by his publisher for a fair and honest review and to be perfectly “honest”… I originally thought I was going to hate it. As a Pastor myself, I don’t always agree with Mark’s doctrine – especially when it comes to women. I feel Mark’s belief’s about women don’t truly reflect what the bible teaches thematically and so I felt that his book on marriage would carry that same message.
But I didn’t hate the book.
Mark and his wife, Grace are writing a book about how the marriage partnership works. And all through the book, Mark emphasis that both the husband and the wife are equal partners, but with different roles, “like the left and right hand,” Mark states. “Although one is dominant.” I liked that example and it helps explain the relationship.
Mark and Grace take turns writing chapters and explaining topics and their voices are certainly easy to listen to. I think the material covered was great, the quotes and study that make this book a good read are well researched and there is a lot in this book for a couple with questions, or even as a reference book for marriage counseling.
The only issue I have is with the underlying message of the book. Mark and Grace also share about their own marriage and often tell their own stories. Grace’s story comes across as being “the sinner” of the relationship. She “cheated on him” before they were married, she was sexually hesitant during their marriage and she had a history of abuse…
But Mark’s story is squeaky clean. There is a great chapter on porn addiction, but Mark says it was never an issue for him. And while the book never deemphasizes the husband or the wife, it certainly makes a strong argument for the wife being a sexual servant. The book strongly emphasis the role of the wife as being the one who “strips” for her husband, or who wears revealing clothing to get him in the mood. In fact the one time where I thought Mark might actually confess sin for being distant and moody with his wife, it turns out it was actually her fault for withholding.
I think the book Real Marriage is a summary of Mark’s hours of marriage counseling, his sermon series on Song of Solomon and his various talks and tours. Content wise, I think there is valuable information here. But as far as the testimony, I would have appreciated a more transparent voice from Mark or a less transparent voice from his wife.
If the book tries to make a case for equality, it doesn’t support it through the author’s own marriage.
Show More
man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife, and they become one flesh.Pastor Mark Driscoll is the founding pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Washington and is one of the world’s most-downloaded and quoted pastors. He was also named one of the “25 Most Influential Pastors of the Past 25 Years” by Preaching magazine, and his sermons are consistently #1 on iTunes each week.
I was given his book, “Real Marriage” by his publisher for a fair and honest review and to be perfectly “honest”… I originally thought I was going to hate it. As a Pastor myself, I don’t always agree with Mark’s doctrine – especially when it comes to women. I feel Mark’s belief’s about women don’t truly reflect what the bible teaches thematically and so I felt that his book on marriage would carry that same message.
But I didn’t hate the book.
Mark and his wife, Grace are writing a book about how the marriage partnership works. And all through the book, Mark emphasis that both the husband and the wife are equal partners, but with different roles, “like the left and right hand,” Mark states. “Although one is dominant.” I liked that example and it helps explain the relationship.
Mark and Grace take turns writing chapters and explaining topics and their voices are certainly easy to listen to. I think the material covered was great, the quotes and study that make this book a good read are well researched and there is a lot in this book for a couple with questions, or even as a reference book for marriage counseling.
The only issue I have is with the underlying message of the book. Mark and Grace also share about their own marriage and often tell their own stories. Grace’s story comes across as being “the sinner” of the relationship. She “cheated on him” before they were married, she was sexually hesitant during their marriage and she had a history of abuse…
But Mark’s story is squeaky clean. There is a great chapter on porn addiction, but Mark says it was never an issue for him. And while the book never deemphasizes the husband or the wife, it certainly makes a strong argument for the wife being a sexual servant. The book strongly emphasis the role of the wife as being the one who “strips” for her husband, or who wears revealing clothing to get him in the mood. In fact the one time where I thought Mark might actually confess sin for being distant and moody with his wife, it turns out it was actually her fault for withholding.
I think the book Real Marriage is a summary of Mark’s hours of marriage counseling, his sermon series on Song of Solomon and his various talks and tours. Content wise, I think there is valuable information here. But as far as the testimony, I would have appreciated a more transparent voice from Mark or a less transparent voice from his wife.
If the book tries to make a case for equality, it doesn’t support it through the author’s own marriage.
Show Less
LibraryThing member wbc3
The Driscolls' book does not include much that I have not read before, but it does have lots of good stuff to say and does so in a brisk, easy-to-read manner. The main thing that differentiates this book from other Christian marriage books is that the authors do a good job of openly discussing
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topics that other books shy away from. Part of that is Grace Driscoll's life story including sexual abuse. For many women (and men) this is an important dynamic that Christian marriage books are less willing to confront. I recommend this book to anyone looking to improve their marriage or tackle issues in their marriage. Show Less
LibraryThing member David_Norman
Earlier this month, Mark and Grace Driscoll released their latest book, Real Marriage – The Truth about Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. Never one to shy away from controversy, Driscoll tackles issues such as friendship within marriage, complementarianism, and what is and what is not
Real Marriage is not a very “theologically heavy” treatment of marriage and sex. This stood out to me when I began reading it, because so much of what Driscoll does is deeply rooted in theology. When you can’t count on much, you can count on Mark to go heavy on doctrine, pound in the gospel, and bring about some great applications. In this book, he spends much more time on the applications and practical steps than the theological premises behind them.
It’s best to think of this book as a conference in a cover – which seems appropriate to do when the next step for Mark and Grace was to go on a conference tour discussing the subject matter of the book. And while Mars Hill Church (Driscoll’s multi-site church based in Seattle), and thousands of other churches are presenting Real Marriage as a sermon-series / church campaign, the book reads as the authors’ personal stories, tips, and pointers for others to learn from.
Summary
The book centers on a few specific topics, such as the importance of friendship between spouses, complementarianism, and, well, sex. The Driscoll’s share their experience as a ministry couple who were deeply committed, but weren’t communicating or having a very fulfilling marriage. They were relating to one another, but weren’t having a good time. That experience helped to open their eyes to the need of a strong friendship in marriage.
Ever the outspoken one, Mark writes a chapter to men challenging them to stop being “boys who shave,” and step into their God ordained role as providers, and heads of their family. Grace, in turn, pens a chapter on the role of the wife in marriage. These chapters are perhaps the best in the entire book, and reveal a deep-seated appreciation and honor towards the Word of God and His design for the family. While this should be the most hotly debated subject-matter in the book (by those who would hold to a more egalitarian / liberal persuasion), it is overwhelmed by it’s other lightening rod issue.
Sex. The Driscoll’s are for it – within marriage to be sure, but they’re definitely for it. The chapter that has garnered the most criticism and discussion thus far has been chapter 10, appropriately titled, “Can We _____?” In this chapter, the Driscoll’s take their stab at answering questions of appropriate bedroom behavior for married Christians, using the framework of 1 Corinthians 6:12. More on this below.
Defending the Driscoll’s
This book has received much more criticism than Mark Driscoll’s other books. Tim Challies (the Canadian Godfather of Reformed book reviews) posted three articles on chapter 10 alone. But, is the criticism justified?
Too Much Sex!
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that this book was released at almost the same time as Ed Young Jr.’s Sexperiment, but one of the outcries that’s been going around the blogosphere is that modern pastors (and somehow they just lump two very different pastors like Driscoll and Young) speak too much and too frankly about sex considering the brevity and discretion of the Biblical authors. The problem with this critique is that it fails to account for Driscoll’s other works (such as Vintage Jesus, Vintage Church, Death by Love, and Doctrine) – all of which are theologically rich and robust. To argue that Driscoll only preaches on (or writes about) sex is simply unfounded.
Drinking from a Toilet?
Another popular blogger has likened reading Real Marriage to drinking water from a toilet. This criticism is, at the very least, in poor taste. (Get it? In poor taste? Nevermind.) It is my opinion that this book can be a tremendous help to pastors and laity alike. I have no doubt that God will use it in powerful ways and bring help and healing and restoration of families to readers of this book. I have my own frustrations with the book, but this criticism is unwarranted.
Frustrations with the Book
While I understand (though disagree) with the criticisms above, I do have a few of my own – primarily, the question of Mark Driscoll’s growth (or seemingly lack thereof) in the book, and the grid used in chapter 10.
The Seeming Lack of Growth of Mark Driscoll
Throughout the book, we read of Grace’s journey, including the sexual sins in her past that have haunted their marriage, the corresponding secrets that she brought into their marriage, and the times that Christ has brought healing to her past and their marriage. As a pastor who has counseled church members who have similar past sins, and brought similar secrets to their marriage, this book is an excellent tool to place in their hands.
Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of Mark.
His character, personality, and disposition to his wife seems extremely undeveloped. He tells stories of the day that she came home and he didn’t like her “mom” haircut, and of his growing frustration with their passionless marriage, but little seems to change in Mark. His development seems to be much more in line with Grace’s growth and the change in her disposition towards her husband.
I don’t know Mark and Grace. I have benefited greatly from his ministry and preaching. I wish this book presented more growth and development in his character. I believe that it exists, but it simply doesn’t come through in the book.
A Gospel-Less Grid
Many have undertaken the task of taking apart the grid that the Driscoll’s use to answer questions in their, “Can We _____?” chapter. 1 Corinthians 6:12 states, “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” From this verse, the Driscoll’s draw three questions to help determine whether an activity is appropriate for a married couple.
Is it lawful? Is it helpful? Is it enslaving?
Noticeably missing from these questions is anything having to do with the state of the heart – which is something that I enjoy about Driscoll’s preaching and writing, so it’s all the more frustrating to not see any trace of it in the most discussed chapter!
The first question should be, “Why do you want to do that?”
Only after searching for our heart-motive behind desiring a particular act, and understanding the underlying reason, should we even begin to ask questions of legality and helpfulness. This question will give us the impetus to limit certain freedoms that may be available to us. This is where Christian maturity comes into play.
Conclusion
Ultimately, this book is good, but not great. It should have been great. Driscoll’s penchant for hitting theology hard and heavy while tackling controversial issues without fear should have resulted in a book that pastors can unswervingly recommend and share with others. Unfortunately, according to the bulk of reviews that I’ve read, that doesn’t seem to be the case.
In the preface, Mark Driscoll writes, “Although we seek to be faithful to the Bible, this book is not the Bible, and, like you, we are imperfect, so there will be mistakes. Take whatever gifts you find in this book, and feel free to leave the rest.” (xi)
That would be the best advice I could give as well. Read it for yourself. You will no doubt come across material that is surprising and/or shocking. But you’ll also discover several jewels of wisdom that will serve those who desire to follow God in their marriage.
Show More
acceptable behavior for married Christians in the bedroom. The book has been met with great fanfare and harsh criticism from those inside and outside of his theological camp, so I naturally wanted to get my hands on a copy and review it.Real Marriage is not a very “theologically heavy” treatment of marriage and sex. This stood out to me when I began reading it, because so much of what Driscoll does is deeply rooted in theology. When you can’t count on much, you can count on Mark to go heavy on doctrine, pound in the gospel, and bring about some great applications. In this book, he spends much more time on the applications and practical steps than the theological premises behind them.
It’s best to think of this book as a conference in a cover – which seems appropriate to do when the next step for Mark and Grace was to go on a conference tour discussing the subject matter of the book. And while Mars Hill Church (Driscoll’s multi-site church based in Seattle), and thousands of other churches are presenting Real Marriage as a sermon-series / church campaign, the book reads as the authors’ personal stories, tips, and pointers for others to learn from.
Summary
The book centers on a few specific topics, such as the importance of friendship between spouses, complementarianism, and, well, sex. The Driscoll’s share their experience as a ministry couple who were deeply committed, but weren’t communicating or having a very fulfilling marriage. They were relating to one another, but weren’t having a good time. That experience helped to open their eyes to the need of a strong friendship in marriage.
Ever the outspoken one, Mark writes a chapter to men challenging them to stop being “boys who shave,” and step into their God ordained role as providers, and heads of their family. Grace, in turn, pens a chapter on the role of the wife in marriage. These chapters are perhaps the best in the entire book, and reveal a deep-seated appreciation and honor towards the Word of God and His design for the family. While this should be the most hotly debated subject-matter in the book (by those who would hold to a more egalitarian / liberal persuasion), it is overwhelmed by it’s other lightening rod issue.
Sex. The Driscoll’s are for it – within marriage to be sure, but they’re definitely for it. The chapter that has garnered the most criticism and discussion thus far has been chapter 10, appropriately titled, “Can We _____?” In this chapter, the Driscoll’s take their stab at answering questions of appropriate bedroom behavior for married Christians, using the framework of 1 Corinthians 6:12. More on this below.
Defending the Driscoll’s
This book has received much more criticism than Mark Driscoll’s other books. Tim Challies (the Canadian Godfather of Reformed book reviews) posted three articles on chapter 10 alone. But, is the criticism justified?
Too Much Sex!
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that this book was released at almost the same time as Ed Young Jr.’s Sexperiment, but one of the outcries that’s been going around the blogosphere is that modern pastors (and somehow they just lump two very different pastors like Driscoll and Young) speak too much and too frankly about sex considering the brevity and discretion of the Biblical authors. The problem with this critique is that it fails to account for Driscoll’s other works (such as Vintage Jesus, Vintage Church, Death by Love, and Doctrine) – all of which are theologically rich and robust. To argue that Driscoll only preaches on (or writes about) sex is simply unfounded.
Drinking from a Toilet?
Another popular blogger has likened reading Real Marriage to drinking water from a toilet. This criticism is, at the very least, in poor taste. (Get it? In poor taste? Nevermind.) It is my opinion that this book can be a tremendous help to pastors and laity alike. I have no doubt that God will use it in powerful ways and bring help and healing and restoration of families to readers of this book. I have my own frustrations with the book, but this criticism is unwarranted.
Frustrations with the Book
While I understand (though disagree) with the criticisms above, I do have a few of my own – primarily, the question of Mark Driscoll’s growth (or seemingly lack thereof) in the book, and the grid used in chapter 10.
The Seeming Lack of Growth of Mark Driscoll
Throughout the book, we read of Grace’s journey, including the sexual sins in her past that have haunted their marriage, the corresponding secrets that she brought into their marriage, and the times that Christ has brought healing to her past and their marriage. As a pastor who has counseled church members who have similar past sins, and brought similar secrets to their marriage, this book is an excellent tool to place in their hands.
Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of Mark.
His character, personality, and disposition to his wife seems extremely undeveloped. He tells stories of the day that she came home and he didn’t like her “mom” haircut, and of his growing frustration with their passionless marriage, but little seems to change in Mark. His development seems to be much more in line with Grace’s growth and the change in her disposition towards her husband.
I don’t know Mark and Grace. I have benefited greatly from his ministry and preaching. I wish this book presented more growth and development in his character. I believe that it exists, but it simply doesn’t come through in the book.
A Gospel-Less Grid
Many have undertaken the task of taking apart the grid that the Driscoll’s use to answer questions in their, “Can We _____?” chapter. 1 Corinthians 6:12 states, “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” From this verse, the Driscoll’s draw three questions to help determine whether an activity is appropriate for a married couple.
Is it lawful? Is it helpful? Is it enslaving?
Noticeably missing from these questions is anything having to do with the state of the heart – which is something that I enjoy about Driscoll’s preaching and writing, so it’s all the more frustrating to not see any trace of it in the most discussed chapter!
The first question should be, “Why do you want to do that?”
Only after searching for our heart-motive behind desiring a particular act, and understanding the underlying reason, should we even begin to ask questions of legality and helpfulness. This question will give us the impetus to limit certain freedoms that may be available to us. This is where Christian maturity comes into play.
Conclusion
Ultimately, this book is good, but not great. It should have been great. Driscoll’s penchant for hitting theology hard and heavy while tackling controversial issues without fear should have resulted in a book that pastors can unswervingly recommend and share with others. Unfortunately, according to the bulk of reviews that I’ve read, that doesn’t seem to be the case.
In the preface, Mark Driscoll writes, “Although we seek to be faithful to the Bible, this book is not the Bible, and, like you, we are imperfect, so there will be mistakes. Take whatever gifts you find in this book, and feel free to leave the rest.” (xi)
That would be the best advice I could give as well. Read it for yourself. You will no doubt come across material that is surprising and/or shocking. But you’ll also discover several jewels of wisdom that will serve those who desire to follow God in their marriage.
Show Less
LibraryThing member justindtapp
"The goal is progress, not perfection."
This is the most comprehensive book on marriage that I have seen; it is a combination of several books that I have read and would recommend. It is both written for pastors from a pastoral perspective as well as Christians young and old. It is helpful in
The biographical info and testimonies of the Driscolls was helpful to me, these people are not "whitewashed tombs." One appeal of Mark Driscoll is his humility and use of others for support. He often (publicly) marches down a bad, angry road spiritually, mentally, and in regards to physical health but later listens to correction. He seeks wisdom from others ranging from biblical counseling to holistic health advice to hiring a life coach. To understand depression and addiction that he sees either in himself or his congregation, he reads books and seeks wisdom on the brain and psychology. Critics have faulted this book for he and his wife's detailing of their earlier marital struggles and dealing with her past abuse, but I find nothing off-putting about the content nor do I find it nearly as transparent and forthright as people claim.
"Men see everything as either respect or disrespect. Women see everything as either loving or unloving."
Usually, the first book I recommend on marriage is Love and Respect by Eggerichs (my review). Real Marriage includes chapters detailing the same concept, but Mark writes the chapter exhorting men to love their wives while Grace writes the chapter on women exhorting men to respect their husbands. This may be particularly appealing to women who felt brow-beaten by Eggerichs in his book.
The Driscolls contrast Martin Luther's ultimately good marriage-- a marriage rooted in and exemplifying friendship-- with John Wesley's ultimately destructive marriage. I think it illustrated the importance of marriage/family balance for busy pastors and theologians.
The chapter addressing pornography and sexual abuse is a difficult read, but necessary for the times. There is a chapter toward the beginning of the book where Mark pretty unflinchingly exhorts men to behave like men; there is not a lot of scripture just a lot of commentary on "immature" and "idiotic" behaviors common in American males that Driscoll is confronting. People may find that off-putting, but I probably agreed with everything he said.
One of the last chapters addresses sex in a shameless culture. This comes out of the Driscolls getting hundreds of questions on intimacy during premarital counseling as well as the conferences they speak at. They address every major question through the lens of: Is it lawful (1 Corinthians 6)? Is it helpful?
The final chapter seemingly borrows from Steven Covey to "begin with the end in mind." What does your last day of marriage look like? The authors lay out a list of goals to discuss with your spouse ranging from long-term like what you'll look for in churches and what types of ways you'll look to worship in your work to daily habits like what kind of books and how many meals to eat together. The specific goals and long-term planning are something I need to work on in my own marriage.
I give this book five stars, I would recommend it to any pastor doing premarital counseling, and some specific cases of marital counseling. I recommend it to all Christians as a helpful marriage text.
This is the most comprehensive book on marriage that I have seen; it is a combination of several books that I have read and would recommend. It is both written for pastors from a pastoral perspective as well as Christians young and old. It is helpful in
Show More
developing a theology of marriage and looking at everything in marriage as something that is intended to glorify God. There are tools useful in planning and conflict resolution as well as developing friendship and intimacy. Even marital conflict can glorify God if done correctly, says Dever. It's one of the few books on marriage that also deals with working through past sexual histories and physical, emotional, and sexual abuse as a couple. The chapters related to sex and intimacy are modern--they are addressed to a generation that has grown up in a sex-soaked culture and feels no shame. The book includes plenty of statistics from within and without the church. It is not really a funny, light-hearted read. If you want that, check out the book Fun Loving You (my review). The biographical info and testimonies of the Driscolls was helpful to me, these people are not "whitewashed tombs." One appeal of Mark Driscoll is his humility and use of others for support. He often (publicly) marches down a bad, angry road spiritually, mentally, and in regards to physical health but later listens to correction. He seeks wisdom from others ranging from biblical counseling to holistic health advice to hiring a life coach. To understand depression and addiction that he sees either in himself or his congregation, he reads books and seeks wisdom on the brain and psychology. Critics have faulted this book for he and his wife's detailing of their earlier marital struggles and dealing with her past abuse, but I find nothing off-putting about the content nor do I find it nearly as transparent and forthright as people claim.
"Men see everything as either respect or disrespect. Women see everything as either loving or unloving."
Usually, the first book I recommend on marriage is Love and Respect by Eggerichs (my review). Real Marriage includes chapters detailing the same concept, but Mark writes the chapter exhorting men to love their wives while Grace writes the chapter on women exhorting men to respect their husbands. This may be particularly appealing to women who felt brow-beaten by Eggerichs in his book.
The Driscolls contrast Martin Luther's ultimately good marriage-- a marriage rooted in and exemplifying friendship-- with John Wesley's ultimately destructive marriage. I think it illustrated the importance of marriage/family balance for busy pastors and theologians.
The chapter addressing pornography and sexual abuse is a difficult read, but necessary for the times. There is a chapter toward the beginning of the book where Mark pretty unflinchingly exhorts men to behave like men; there is not a lot of scripture just a lot of commentary on "immature" and "idiotic" behaviors common in American males that Driscoll is confronting. People may find that off-putting, but I probably agreed with everything he said.
One of the last chapters addresses sex in a shameless culture. This comes out of the Driscolls getting hundreds of questions on intimacy during premarital counseling as well as the conferences they speak at. They address every major question through the lens of: Is it lawful (1 Corinthians 6)? Is it helpful?
The final chapter seemingly borrows from Steven Covey to "begin with the end in mind." What does your last day of marriage look like? The authors lay out a list of goals to discuss with your spouse ranging from long-term like what you'll look for in churches and what types of ways you'll look to worship in your work to daily habits like what kind of books and how many meals to eat together. The specific goals and long-term planning are something I need to work on in my own marriage.
I give this book five stars, I would recommend it to any pastor doing premarital counseling, and some specific cases of marital counseling. I recommend it to all Christians as a helpful marriage text.
Show Less
Awards
Audie Award (Finalist — 2013)
Original language
English
Original publication date
2012
Physical description
272 p.
ISBN
9781400203833