When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along

by Joshua Coleman

Paperback, 2008

Status

Available

Collection

Library Notes

1. Available as e-book at: https://www.scribd.com/book/163576414/When-Parents-Hurt-Compassionate-Strategies
2. Available as hardcopy & as e-book at: https://hpl.bibliocommons.com/item/show/574981125
3. Available as audiobook at: https://www.audible.ca/pd/When-Parents-Hurt-Audiobook/B0716J8BK

Description

This unique book supports parents who are struggling with the heartache of having a teenager or an adult child who is troubled, angry, or distant. Such rifts can cause unspeakable sorrow that parents too often must bear alone. Psychologist and parent Joshua Coleman, PhD, offers insight, empathy, and perspective to those who have lost the opportunity to be the parent they desperately wanted to be and who are mourning the loss of a harmonious relationship with their child. Through case examples and healing exercises, Dr. Coleman helps parents:Reduce anger, guilt, and shameLearn how temperament, the teen years, their own or a partner's mistakes, and divorce can strain the parent-child bondCome to terms with their own and their child's imperfectionsUnderstand how society's high expectations of parents contribute to the risk of parental woundsBy helping parents recognize what they can do, and let go of what they cannot, Dr. Coleman helps families develop more positive ways of healing themselves and relating to each other.… (more)

Physical description

320 p.; 5.3 inches

User reviews

LibraryThing member gottfried_leibniz

A Decent Book on Parent-Child relationship. Most of the strategy is in Gottman's work. I did not learn anything new from this book. There's cultures too that ought to be considered i.e Indian, African, Chinese, Japanese, American, European. If that is considered, this is not a great work.

If you

have no clue or have not read even one work on relationship, I might recommend you this.

Most of your idea on relationship or parenting would probably come from your family of origin.
It would take immense amount of reflection to figure out that first relationship, best to spend time reading perspectives and figuring out your own.

My favorite story was, how a Parent uses their children to make the other Parent look bad.

Anyway, one day, the child grows up and learns the truth. Also, how some Parents chose some other Men/Women over their children.

The Chapter on having realistic beliefs seem to be helpful. Many Parents don't even know Authoritarian vs Authoritative. If you had lied to your children, one day, it will bite you back! I think, things bite back at you some day. In some way, people find out the truth.

I disagree with forgiveness chapter, in religious tradition, God forgives man, and then he is able to mend the relationship constantly. Joshua has not considered that aspect. It seems that Joshua has not considered many aspects.

Parenting relationship is dynamic as in all relationship. Dynamic as in, it is constantly evolving until the die you pass away. Do not think, because you invested x in a relationship, it should automatically give you back or something like it.

What this book does not offer
- how to grow into being better in relationship?

A Quote from another author

My piece of advice on estrangement of children is this: I feel the parent is the one that can’t stop reaching out, can’t stop going above and beyond to do anything to repair this broken relationship. The parent has to steer this relationship to a better path. The parent must let go of his or her ego. Leave it at the door. Apologize. It doesn’t matter what happened. It is your CHILD. Never stop trying. Be humble. Apologize and profess your unconditional love. When you finally meet, hug your child and don’t let go for a really long time. If you are estranged due to parental alienation, I have the same advice. Don’t stop trying. The kids will find out the truth one day.

Marina Sbrochi Spriggs

Maybe this should be required reading for all Parents only if they have no clue. But most people always think they know, until they find out, they really did not know.

I would recommend this to novice in relationship.

Deus Vult,
Gottfried

Show Less

1 more

LibraryThing member PuddinTame

I didn't finish this because not all parts were interesting to me. When a friend saw it, she said, "I know you read a variety of books, but hasn't that ship sailed?" Her question was because my parents have both died, and we got along pretty well, and I have no children.

I was inspired to read this

after reading posts in Reddit on family conflicts and adult children who go low or no contact. I was extremely glad to see that the author has rejected the idea that the only influence on children is their parents, the family apparently lives in a vacuum. Peers, heredity, experiences outside of the family, temperment, all have their influences. I also liked his approval of the Authoritative, as opposed to the Authoritarian parenting style.

He also discussed forgiveness. This is a topic of great interest to me. I know people who define forgiveness as anything between:
1. resolving your anger, which may not involve the person being forgiveness, and
2. an obligation to forgive immediately, no matter what happened, and go on to mentor the person by whom one was wronged.
3. Forgiveness-guru Robert D. Enright's definition of forgiveness is “as a "willingness to abandon one's right to resentment, negative judgement and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly hurt us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love towards him or her.'”

I don't mean any of these when I talk about forgiveness, and if it is the last two, then I have never forgiven almost anyone, and I probably never will. If it's the first, I've forgiven just about everyone in my personal life.

Coleman tells us a great deal about what his idea of forgiveness isn't, and I generally approve, but he never says what it is.

I like Sophie Hannah's definition of a grudge: "A grudge is a true story from your past, involving a negative, hurtful, or suboptimal experience that it feels important to remember now and into the future". A grudge doesn't have to be vengeful, all-consuming, and bitter." I apply this to people who steal from me, and people who are very negative or rude. Don't go away mad, just go away.

I'd recommend this for anyone who is in this sort of conflict, or it might help with other types of conflict.

Show Less

Fewer